Twenty seventh Wheel

 

I wonder if he is really going to come? I think to myself sitting on the steps of my row house. My phone appears in my hand almost as if by magic maybe I never put it down and didn’t realize it. Should I text him? Did he think I was joking earlier? I’m not sure why I’m so worried about this. The rush of anxiety starts on the track like a bullet train, before it can reach max speed, DING DING from my phone. “Your driver Mike is almost there.” I feel my heart take control of that bullet train happy washes over me and suddenly I’m more concerned about how my breath smells...

Mike be cool ok. Not you trying to be cool just be actually cool. I have no idea what I’m getting into here. Did she really want me to come along tonight? 

With a gentle glide my car pulls up to her curb. I flip my dash light on, the sound of my heartbeat is louder than the click of the light. Janice walks towards my car...

I can’t hide the smile on my face, grabbing the passenger door handle, with a embarrassing clunk it doesn’t open and my smile slides off my face. Mike points at the back door, but quickly smiles unlocking the door. 

“That wasn’t funny.” My voice trembles sliding into the seat.

“So why are you smiling?” He asks with a look that cuts through my “tough chick” armor...

Was that too much? Reel it in Mike. I can’t believe I’m in this moment right now, I find it hard to to keep looking at her beautiful sitting next to me. Her scent fills my car, like flowers. Not artificial ones but a real flower and it calms me. I’ve very rarely had girlfriends or girls interested in me for more than things I can do for them. But this one seems different, this one feels different. 

We pull up to a small downtown back street that looks so beautiful, string lights dangling between the buildings all the storefronts aglow with neon open signs. Placing the car in park Janice hops out. I stay sitting. 

“Hey? Aren’t you coming?” Her face is framed by the car door. 

“Did you really want me to come with you?” My fear and hope colliding at once. 

Her eyes roll, “Yes!” That sweet intoxicating laugh gets me out of that car. 

We walk into an office that’s new and hip, I’m not sure what they do but I can tell they aren’t a stuffy corporate company. We loft past desks that are all unique and walls that have art from all over the world but she isn’t giving me time to stop and admire anything. I guess because she sees them everyday. The unmistakable sound of a party grows and we enter a big warehouse with probably twenty five people broken into little groups seems full of life. My fear and senses are now on full alert and I sink inside myself. 

“Would you like something to drink?” She says walking to a table but I’m kinda frozen still. 

Hours go by and she introduces me to person after person but not because she is just itching to show me off but rather to prove she’s here and with someone on top of it. After she makes her rounds to say goodbye we head back outside I notice a cool metal sculpture on a desk glinting in the faint closed office light. 

“That’s my favorite.” She calls back from a few steps ahead, “I got it for helping close a deal to help send clothing to Singapore for women in need.” She turns to walk even faster now as if she can’t be in here any longer. 

Back at my car I wait for her phone to alert. When it does  and she checks it I have my plan ready and jump wishing the fall won’t kill me, “So sorry but you have to pay for the ride otherwise you get put on a no ride list.”

“You’re kidding me right?” She looks angry.

“No really it has to be done on your end otherwise it looks like you skipped out.” She hits the icon on her phone so hard I can hear it. 

Step two in my plan is a go, “Hey so this crazy girl I gave a ride to that seemed like she wasn’t going to pay just did... you want to get some food?” I hope this all sounds as smooth as I wanted it to. 

She plays it cool without a expression, “Don’t you mean I’m buying?” I think she jumps in the car to keep me from seeing her smile. 

Mission success.

Time Flies

 

Laughter floats on the wind with a sweetness. It’s coming from the overlook, only you cannot see any one standing. The only hint to people at the very top of the wooden tower is laughing and hair whipping up from time to time with the breeze. 

“Shut up, I can’t believe I told you that story!” Her voice comes with an angry sweetness like I’ve never heard or felt before. 

My heart is pounding, am I really sitting here with this pretty girl and not making a complete fool of myself? She looks at me almost as if she’s known me her entire life, “Can I ask you something?” 

“I thought that’s what we were doing?” Her voice reassuring and inviting. 

“Do you remember me?” I set my heart up to be hurt. I’m convinced I’m forgettable and the sting of being reminded must be my kink. 

Her eyes fall to the wood planks under us...

Should I remember him? Did we go to school together, or maybe, I don’t know. I feel awful I used to be so wrapped up in my own shit that I didn’t see people. 

“Sorry, don’t hate me but no I don’t.” I can see him sinking inside himself. I just killed this fun vibe we had. 

His lips that I haven’t been able to keep my eyes off of big and soft begin to part, “No it’s ok, really. We met at a party Brit had at your house. We even took a picture together look.” 

He pulls his phone out his phone. I suddenly realize neither one of us had had a phone in the others face for what seems like forever. The picture he showed me is in his favorite folder, I’m not sure if that’s sweet or creepy. It is however a good picture. He closes the photos app and I see the icon for the cheap driving app.

“Do you use them for rides? The other night I had a driver give me the worst vibe and I wasn’t even his victim.. I mean his passenger.” I laugh...

Her laugh almost makes me feel better that not only did she not remember me but she also thinks I’m a sketchy dude in a car, “Yeah I’m actually a driver for them. Actually I’m that driver.” 

Her embarrassed laugh is even cuter than her normal one, “Shit I’m sorry, that’s twice now I’ve made an ass out of myself.” 

I can’t help but still feel good, “Well now you know my side job, I kidnap people and charged them unusually low rates.” I joke hoping to ease her mind...

This boy is so sweet, very different from the dick head bros that always try and talk to me like they have me figured out. I feel more myself here in this moment than I have in the last month of work and home and friends, “Can I ask you something?” 

His brown eyes catch mine and it feels like he sees me in my rawest form, “Isn’t that what we’re doing?” He hits me with sass. 

“I know, I know, but really. I’m not sure what it is but you make me feel... I don’t know.” I lose my words 

A smirk appears on his face and it gives me the fourteen year old girl butterflies, “Yeah I know what you mean.” 

Remembering I have a few things to do tonight I know I need to go. I also have to return Brit’s car. I pull out my phone and ignore this pretty boy sitting across from me...

Her phone is in my face but not in a normal way it’s like she’s trying to be rude on purpose. Breathing in the time we just spent together realizing we can’t stay like this forever and soon we will go back to our individual lives to only most likely never see each other again. 

“Sorry I have plans tonight and had to make sure I had a ride.” An awkward grin fills her face. 

My phone dings saying someone scheduled a ride with me. I pick up my phone and it says Janice has requested you as her driver, “Really?” I chuckle. 

Her eyes roll before she hides them with her dark sunglasses. I can see myself in the reflection. Suddenly I’m reminded that she’s out of my league. No way a girl that pretty would actually want to be seen with me out in the world. I pull myself back to my base zero and that familiar lonely world is home, is safe...

“I’ve gotta go but I’ll see you later.” I stand and walk to the stairs, “Thanks Mike, I needed this.” Walking away from him feels like I’m leaving part of myself up there. Eww what is that feeling? I hope I didn’t sound crazy or even worse annoying. He probably thinks I’m lame anyway, but maybe.. the smile on my face almost hurts. Walking down these stairs I feel lighter than when I went up, he let me leave so much baggage up there and he didn’t even know me...

The Overlook

 

Let’s dive back in. -MH

The spring air feels good in my lungs, it’s that cool fresh smell that winter has left but the warm sun kissing your face just enough to get you longing for summer and fun. 

As a guy, well as a single guy there are very few places I can just go sit and enjoy being outside without looking creepy. In the city it would be a park bench, or the head of a jogging trail. I don’t need that today. So I’m here at the overlook. 

Very few places offer quite, a view, and hope the way that this does. A tall wooden structure stands high above the trees, silently it stands even in the wind. As you walk up the stairs to the very top, it’s almost like going through a public yearbook. “I was here 1999” or “A+R=4E” gouged into the wood. A history of experience and existence. 

I often wonder who these people are now, did “Follow your dreams!” Actually follow theirs? Or did “Liz & Beth love forever” really love forever? 

The closer you get to the top the more the sun peeks through the wood, the wind picks up as well. The writing becomes marker here too. It also somehow is all more recent. People’s @ dropped everywhere. As of now love is no longer important but likes and follows on an app are what life is about. I suppose the wood up here sees more weather than the more protected parts below so it gets replaced more often at least I hope that’s the reason now that I’m at the top of the decades old fire trap. 

The view is amazing I can see the city, I can see all the hills and trees. Most importantly I can feel the weight falling off of me. I noticed I’m standing in a outline with words around it. It reads “we made love right here” for a second this seems sweet then the gross feeling of what that means sets in. I hop over the outline and move to a different corner. Looking out at the trees just because. For the first time in days, no stress, no worries, just the air the clouds and the sun warming my shoulders. 

I lay down looking up at the sky and the vastness of it, “How small we really are.” I speak out loud something that at a park would get the cops called on me most likely. 

A strange sound starts to cut into my blissful quiet, I believe it’s supposed to be singing but they aren’t doing a good job at it that’s for sure. I can definitely tell it’s a girl’s voice now...

 After my girls day with my roommate got cut short because boyfriends are more important, because “we live together and see each other all the time” I decided to drive out to the overlook. This time of day no one is usually here so I can dance and sing and just be without worrying about people seeing. 

Walking up this absurd hill to this toothpick tower I’m singing one of my favorite songs at the top of my lungs just because I can. The music is playing in both ears almost as loud as it can be again just because it can. The wind flings my hair everywhere, something that would ordinarily make me mad having spent time doing it but now I don’t give a FUCK. Why should I they didn’t care about the effort I put in to have a good day out, they don’t care even a little. 

 The stairs are so far apart and make every step feel like a lunge, not a fan let me tell ya. The wind has slowed and the sun is gone so I lift my sunglasses up off of my eyes and they pull my hair back with them. 

“I can see!” I giggle to myself stopping on one of the landings to look out. “This is so beautiful. Better than being ignored at a restaurant table checking my phone for the nonexistent notifications trying to seem important.” 

I’m one set of steps away from the top and start singing again as the song ends. In that brief moment of silence I here movement above me and tense up. I slowly peek around the half wall but the sun makes everything a white screen. Quickly pulling down my sunglasses.  This is it this is how I die...

I see the girl who was making all that noise and acting like she was the only one here. First I see pretty brown high and low lighted hair, then dark black sunglasses that Audrey Hepburn would have worn. They fit her face well. Then full red lips to match. She has on a pretty white silk shirt and form fitting light blue jeans and navy and white flats. She looks afraid, “Oh hello there.” I try to ease her mind and not be creepy at the same time. 

His hello makes me feel a bit less like I’m in the open of a horror movie, “Hi, I didn’t realize someone else was here.” He isn’t wearing sunglasses, the sun is igniting his brown eyes, and light brown skin. He has a slight smile, not quite a full smile more of a smirk. The only thing typical about him is the black hoodie and blue jeans. His body language reads differently than most guys I run into, his face seems confident but I can just tell he has a world on his back and tremendous weight on his chest...

Her real voice is pleasant I actually recognize it now and another split second I realize exactly who she is. The girl from the other night at Brit’s party. Damnit I can’t remember her name, it starts with a J I think. Jamie? No. Jasmine, hell on...

Why isn’t he saying anything? Oh god he is going to kill me. At least it’s a beautiful place to die. Hey wait I know him I think, “Don’t I know you? Mark right?”

“It’s Mike actually, yeah we met a a party.”

Smooth move there Janice, “Oh I’m sorry I’m bad with names. How have you been? What are you doing here?” I ask him in that awkward conversation voice I hate...

She’s nervous, a pretty girl is nervous to talk to me? This is a new one, “It’s ok you knew it started with a M. I’m good, just living life ya know? Taking in the spring air I guess. You?” I sound so dumb I bet.

She looks at me in the eyes deeper than most people do it freezes me, “Can I be honest?” 

I break free from her gaze, “Umm, yeah?”

She takes a deep breath I watch as her chest rises and her lips part to exhale, “My roommate blew me off and I came out here to be alone and sulk.”

I get the picture, “Ahh say no more, I’ll leave you to it.” I smile a small smile and manipulate past her still in the only walkway...

Damnit I just hurt him. I didn’t mean too that’s not what I was saying. He made me feel safe and I wanted to say something real not small talk. Why am I like this? I decided to take the risk, “Hey that’s not what I meant. You can stay. You were here alone first after all. Let’s be alone together?” He turns and and that oddly cute smirk. Did I just fix something? This is a good feeling...

Something Different

 

I’ve told you how I see a story, I’ve told you how I build a story, I’ve told you how I tell a story. Then we took a few journeys into my personal stories. Some hit some missed. Now something different. A weekly story you are able to watch unfold. Upfront this story is not a reflection of true events nor real people. Enjoy -MH 

  On this late night I’m sitting in this car waiting. This is a street I’ve only been down a hand full of time before. The rain has stopped but everything is still damp, my windows are slightly fogged as I look out. It’s one of those streets that a big city uses to feel more small town. The street bleeds into grass held in by a small curb. The side walk is just big enough for two people, if they like each other. 

A woman in a soft looking white long coat comes into view. She looks like something out of one of those rom-com movies too, with the street light setting her a glow against the wet concrete. She disappears every few steps behind the annoyingly evenly planted trees. 

Oh I know her, that’s that girl I met at Brit’s party. What was her name? Am I staring? I bet this dude alone in a running car on a street like this looks super sketchy. I reach up and flip on my dash light for the driving company I work for. 

  Walking home always sucks, knowing I’m this close always gives me that last little boost to make it. God why did I wear these shoes? Really why did I buy these shoes?

Looking down at my still almost white flats that totally should never be worn in the rain but stupid me didn’t look at the weather. 

When I get home I hope Brit and Jacob are upstairs in her room so I can just go down to mine and not deal with them tonight. No worries, no drama, no bra. 

A smile distorts my face. Who’s car is that? Oh shit there’s a guy in there.. creeper. Did he just flip that light on so I didn’t think he was creepy, wait am I the creepy one now? Janice, stop just keep walking he probably didn’t see you anyway. 

   My fare almost rips my door handle off. I click the lock to let them in. My night of driving around semi drunk very loud people. The things I do to fill my sleepless nights with. Hopefully this one tips and not in vomit. 

Pulling away from the curb I forgot how wet the street was, my tires break traction and spin.

  I watch as that pickup driver leaves to make sure that creeper didn’t see where I lived. His squealing tires as he leaves put the fucking Cherry on top, “Someone’s cool aren’t they?” I look on in worry for the person he just probably kidnapped...

Don’t F*** Wit My Energy

 

Energy is all around us. Even if it’s only electricity floating around in the air. If like me you fancy yourself an empath or not, you can pick up on that energy. Sometimes you meet a person and you just click or just flat out can’t be around them. You may not know why but it’s there and you can feel it. Ding, ding, ding, you guessed it it’s that person’s energy. 

em·path

/ˈempaTH/

Learn to pronounce

noun

1. (chiefly in science fiction) a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual.

   
   

   em·pa·thy

   /ˈempəTHē/

   Learn to pronounce

   noun

   1. the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

      
      

      
      
   2. There are a lot of people who don't believe in someone's empathic nature, they call it nonsense. However most believe in someone having Empathy. Now at this point you can get into a God debate over it, or physic mumbo jumbo. Or you can take it for what it is.
   3. 
      
   4. I do believe in something past this world, but I also believe in free will and that negates your path being all planed out for you. What does this have to do with energy? It all comes back to being able to feel someone’s energy or at least perceive how it makes you feel. We have the free will to choose who we surround ourselves with and how much we connect with them. We can also choose what we put out into this world. Our energy is just as important as the next persons. 
      
      
      As a creative I think most creatives are more sensitive to another person’s energy. Negative especially, not to say one negative person can control us but it kicks off a snowball effect that is sometimes hard to stop. The same goes for that all important positive energy person, they can give you a spark that ignites a fire that doesn’t burn out. 
      
      
      In my last post I talked about how you can put some positivity into a creative’s energy bank, now I’m telling you why it’s important. 
      
      
      Two nights ago I went to a social function that has been paused for the last year. We’ve all been on pause for too long and sitting still in one way or another. As I kinda forced myself to go and closed myself off to the people who now seem like strangers to me, one person in particular came up and started talking to me. Like really talking not the cheap “hey” but asking meaningful questions and engaging. 
      
      
      In this conversation I felt an energy that I missed, I can not stress enough how important it is to surround yourself with people who’s energy picks you up. Not saying that people who have negative energy should be cast off into a corner or something. Maybe just know you can’t talk to that person about certain things because you have to protect your energy. 
      
      
      Here’s where that energy bank I mentioned comes into play. Your energy bank is a safety deposit box room that holds everything that makes you, you. Your loves, your interest, your motivations, your discouragements. If you don’t keep that safe you can find yourself unhappy with no end on the horizon. You can make deposits as well as  withdrawals from this bank. In my opinion the fee for putting out negative comments or energy is very high. To me being a positive energy source never has a fee and can sometimes even give you a little something in return. Kinda like that round up the change thing where you end up with an extra $100 at the end of the month.  
      
      
      So we have a energy bank, we can put out positive or negative energy, and we have free will. What the heck am I trying to say? I’m making the point that it is so much more beneficial to keep good energy around you and give some back. Looking at your energy as a form of payment or currency can change how you spend it. Looking at your effort that way is important too. Do you want to spend your money on something you know isn’t worth it? The same goes for your energy and effort. 
      
      
      To summarize that crazy, you can choose how to spend your time and energy. Positive energy is a paycheck and negative energy is a tax. The more positive energy you receive and put out the richer you’ll be. The more negative you use the faster you’ll end up unhappy and closed for business or bankrupt. So next time you find yourself in a conversation or situation you don’t want to be in think about how you’re spending. The next time you have the opportunity to put some positivity into the world see what it actually gives back to you. -MH 

Creative(s)

 Hello again, or hello for the first time if you’re new here. Thanks for stopping by I know it takes some effort to click and read these and I can’t tell you how much it means to me... well us. 

 You may be asking yourself  “who’s us?” Do I have a guest blogger or maybe an interview? 

I asked two of my favorite creatives to give me a top 5 list. Now if you’re not a creative or at least not trying to make something of it the information in this blog is definitely for you. If you’re one of my creative community members you’ll probably relate to some or all of this. 

Back to that open. I am truly thankful for support and even more for feedback and interaction. Those are the things that will help me (us) grow. Clicking that like button is important algorithms aside, comments about what you like or maybe didn’t like so much are necessary. Don’t be afraid to hurt our feelings because almost nothing you can say is worse than what we fill that empty with. 

I recently did a test in my Instagram story, it was done over a few weeks. I first did a series of polls asking about if followers knew about my work. Mixed results but most had no idea I’ve written books or this blog and was a guest on a few podcasts. I know maybe I should talk/post about it more.. next I asked for blog topics anything goes nothing was off limits. This is where I already knew the results before I hit post.

You guessed it not one response (well I got one literally as I was hitting the delete button. Thanks best friend I see you) I watched who and when people saw the story over the about 24 hours it stays up. Going from 2 views in 40 minutes to well over 20 the next hour. By the end 50 people saw it and not one suggestion. At this point I knew I was going to write about how that comes across. Now I was kinda mad so it was going to be a little salty. 

Instead I decided to reach out to my peers. One involved in visual arts and the other a maker. I asked them to give me their top five helps and hurts for supporting your creative friend/family. 

I am not at all surprised by these lists btw and that means you can apply these to almost any creative you know. One big thing I can whole heartedly say is we really do need your support. 

We’ll start with the not helpful lists I’m going to combine the lists.

NOT HELPFUL 

1a. Re-imagine your path, for you

Yeah this is always meant well but better left unsaid 

1b. Taking your stuff/items and not using it

This is a big one, I’d give away books if I knew I’d actually get helpful feedback (for real hit me up and I’ll hook you up) 

2a. Buying something you make from a big store

This is a really big one I see in the maker community, if you have a friend that is selling jewelry or hard goods and you go get the exact same thing from a store or something it can be seen as “people don’t see or value my work.” Especially close friends or family. 

2b. Trying to curb your expectations by offering what they think are alternative options

I can’t say I’ve had this exact experience but I will say that anytime you dislike something just say it and let us figure it out and answer our questions about your opinion as a fall back to help us understand. 

3a. That condescending high-voiced encouragement lol

This is probably my most hated non-helpful. I’m everyone’s hype man but I’m for real hype for you. Nothing worse than a fake hype person. 

3b. (This one is mine) telling me how much you want to read/buy my books but not having a real intent to 

Yes it’s money no I don’t think it grows on trees but neither does hard work and effort. I put everything I am into my work and it won’t hurt my feelings if you say it’s just not for you. It does hurt when I dread looking at my sales sheet and seeing a big fat zero after ten people told me how much they wanted to read it. However here are some ways you can help us out! 

Helpful 

1a. Random “i-see-you” acknowledgement

Yo! I see you, is probably a quick text in my phone at this point. And I really do see you, and I want you to know it too. I may not have the money to buy up all your work and I’d look real weird with one plant earring in but I see your hard work and I want to acknowledge it. You sat behind a camera and laptop screen for hours to put out that dope video let me just double tap that and share it to my story. Speaking of..

1b. Share my stuff on social media

This is probably the most important, even if it doesn’t bring us any business it still feels good to have someone share your work. All the warm fuzzies. Ps if you always like a post-share but never actually say anything it’s kinda 😒hit  um with “this my friend look” for bonus points. 

2. Actually be supportive

I’m 50/50 on supporting my friends. What’s too much what’s not enough. Should I share this or what? When in doubt comment what you like if it’s a product let them know it’s something you’d buy even if it’s a quick “oh I’d love that in gold” because you never know if they can use that feedback. 

3a. Sharing info on pop up events my products are being sold  

Friend has work page- all the information is there. It is super helpful to share a work page because it gets more eyes on them and who knows it could just get them there big break! 

3b. Asking genuine questions of interest

Not one artist/maker I know will ever turn down an opportunity to talk about their work, especially if it’s a genuine question. Their passion will infect you and at that point it is up to you to spread it and unlike this virus it’s a good thing. I love talking about the world I’ve created because it’s a living thing to me. My “I’ve made it” moment will be when I have someone who’s read my work and related to a character and they light up asking me about them. 

4. Streaming/buying consuming the work obviously 

This goes for both of them. The best form of support is to just pony up and buy what they’re selling or maybe even work out a trade. Sometimes it gets hard and we understand that. 

5a. My new biggest one - i have a friend who i told about a couple new projects i’m having a hard time starting so i asked her to ask me about it every once and a while and pressure me like it’s an assignment, it’s really endearing to have someone asking questions anticipating content you haven’t published yet

This is a new one for me. I love the idea of this while it isn’t necessarily a beginners tool it would be amazing to have someone that cares enough to help you stay on track. My first book was written like this. 

5b. Give honest feedback

This. THIS! Yes creative people are often sensitive but it’s because they feel so much and passionately. Even if you don’t like something it’s helpful to let us know. Maybe don’t rip us without warning but give a good compliment sandwich (good bad good) 

So there you have it. Like, comment, share, is on posts for a reason. I had so much momentum going into the launch of my second book All That Coms After that I couldn’t be stopped but it all fell flat because I couldn’t get feedback. I can handle it being bad but being a never got off the ground is the worst pain I’ve felt... and I’ve been hit by derby girls 😳. 

Go forth and support your creative friends, I promise you won’t be disappointed and they’ll love you forever. -MH 

special thanks to my list makers. 

sea-monstrosity.com 

https://instagram.com/sunflowerstatestudios?igshid=1s8xhrpubb92u

Against My Will

 At this point if you’ve read these you probably know me better than most. One thing I’m setting a goal (I guess) for is to not disappear as much. 

If you don’t know me that well a quick rundown. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. Growing up how I did gave me a ton of skills but also gave me a ton of trauma. 

The biggest challenge for me that I battle with is abandonment. In my opinion the hardest of the traumatic responses to battle. Why? 

When it comes to abandonment it stems from a lack of attention at a young age. As you get older you tend to find those relationships maybe even drawn to that behavior. You may have fought for the attention you needed but it was a losing battle, now you have it reinforced in your brain that you don’t deserve it. You are made to feel like you aren’t important enough to gain the attention. This is a pendulum that swings two vastly different directions. One swing can be the shutdown the other the constant need and overwhelmingly so fight for attention. 

Back to that why i think it’s the hardest to overcome. The way I see it we crave attention at different levels and times. We as humans no matter how “on my own” we say we are, at some point human care comes into play. The problem is that it’s completely out of our control who gives us the attention we need. How do you battle an enemy you can’t even get to?

For me... I’m the shutdown. I take myself out of play. Days, weeks, months even. I’ve come to terms with myself over the last year and I’m not going to fight for anyone’s attention. Does it hurt? Yes sometimes more that any other pain I’ve felt. However the freeing from dependency or co-dependence makes up for it. 

The shutdown trigger is what I’m going to work on. I have some places I know of to start but overall It’s a shot in the dark. I’m currently in that shutdown mode, you may have noticed my profile picture... or lack thereof. It’s a reaction to my brain telling me “you can vanish and no one will care.” So I do. The issue is I go dark and the abandonment feels even more real. 

In the grip of “do people really not care?” Going dark compounds the problem. Now the feeling of alone is amplified because now no one even sees me for real. I say it a lot I think, “reach out and check on your friends when they’re on your mind.” I try and live by that simply because I feel alone more than not. I never wish that feeling on anyone. I promise no FRIEND will be mad at you for saying hey! Or you were on my mind and I just wanted to say hi. 

The wrap up and goal, I’m going to try and not do the shutdown and going dark. At this point I still feel alone but making myself even more alone isn’t going to help. The goal is against my will I’m going to be more vocal about my needs. As a male it’s definitely a stigma to ignore your feelings because no one cares or sees it as weakness, and even more now in the climate of this amazing women’s movement there seems like even less space for men to discuss feelings because “it’s not about us anymore.” But it’s about humans now and we should all listen to each other. 

I leave you with- live as though the world is what it should be to show it what it could be. MH