To my surprise you pop in the room as if you knew I missed you. Maybe a burp, or a random personal fact about you interrupts the news guy or whatever movie I turned on to drown out the noise in my head. Most married people have become accustom to bodily functions, some even grow to find them cute. Like in this moment of pure you.
I roll thinking, you must be so awake. So not ready for bed. Guilt keeps my lips tight. Now eyes glued to you as your back is lit by the blue glow of the tv. You pop your back after your shirt comes off and hits the dirt, clean clothes pile that we say will get put away.
I want to be so mad that that pile is still there. I look at it for a second thinking just that. But before I know it they betray me and land back on you. You twist awkwardly as you reach to unclasp your bra. Again hitting that pile.
Only this time I don’t follow it. I watch the light dance up the wings. No sounds hits my ears from this point forward. The news man could be saying the world is on fire and troops are going door to door, and I wouldn’t care.
I think god does she know how attractive she is? Have I told her today that I still think this after all these years? Two kids, and 32 years of life look so good on you. Skin fair and aglow in a sky blue tv haze. I think I said “hey beautiful in a text this morning.” Or was that yesterday? The 3:25am mornings make it hard to keep track of normal people days. Stupid 3am. Why did I do this to myself, I’m a ghost haunting this house between the hours of 1pm-8pm.
You aren’t facing me, you are maybe looking at your plants, maybe picturing your ideal day and how it didn’t involve a 60 year old’s bed time.
All that in the millisecond it took you to slide your pants off. Wait what was I just thinking? I don’t remember but seeing your butt is like the first time every time. Back when we were 17 about to be 18 and thinking I’d never be her type but dang that booty. Back when I had a million tricks none of which you’d seen yet.
How is she not bored of me yet. I’m one step above lame. My mood is often hard to read... “I don’t mean to Mr. Frodo. A picture of Samwise sad and sulking enters my mind. That must have been so hard for him to go through all of that and constantly have to prove to Frodo he had his back.. Frodo was kind of a dick.
Wait what did you say? I look up lifting my head from this awful pillow. You repeat the idea of what you said. Out of frustration and saying the same thing over all this time, I respond “no I get that but what did you say”
You now facing me repeat words that I believe mean something but at this moment I can’t remember my name. I think I respond but at this point I’m not even sure who is at the controls in my head.
With one more back cracking twist you say how you hope something happens, the dog sleeps, the girls clean up, the world gives us a break.
You climb into bed with a plop and with so much motion it’s like a tornado of blanks. Cold air fills the warm bubble I made. “What?” You look into my eyes. Can you even see them between the dark and the tv glare? I’m not sure how you think I have nice eyes, yours are literally so beautiful. When’s the last time I’ve said that to her?
The weird look between husband and wife when one says “what?” And the other doesn’t answer. Why is it that we think the worst in that moment? Did you think I’d say I had cancer? Or maybe drop some kinda bomb on you laying here in bed. Dude can you imagine how fucked that would be? Climbs in bed, “oh by the way I’ve been unfaithful. Good night.”
Oh yeah you asked me a question and my mind ran away again. Nothing, I respond with a smile that unsettles you more. Your smile isn’t exactly one of happy but damn even in this dark room and the shadows running around that smile is perfect. In this moment everything I’m sad or mad at you for is gone I know I will wake to those feelings but here and now do they even matter?
Ahhhhh! Your freezing toes hit my warm legs and snap me painfully back to this bed and the physical body I make move around. You laugh and say “told you” you could have but the last however long I still haven’t really heard anything because my mind is moving faster than I can ever explain to anyone.
Your icicle feet slide away. I don’t want that so I use this long body I make move around trap your ankles and pull them back to my side and let them warm on my legs.
The tv sound fills the room all of the furniture in our room is black or white, including us as we become part of the bed. As everything blinds together gray is life and sleep and tomorrow and all the time till we do this the next night.
3:25 am I leave you and the warm, do you know I’m getting out of bed? Do you miss my weight next to you? I can’t turn back to look at you because the room is too dark and that dumb blue light blinds me. It’s good because I may not open the door. Stupid 3:25 am... I spin the dimmer switch in the kitchen my day without you is starting and I don’t know when it will end. Please wait till haunting hours are over for that next split of time and color and anger and sad, and worry, and fear, and armor I put on to keep everything else safe. Stupid 3:25 am
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