Against My Will

 At this point if you’ve read these you probably know me better than most. One thing I’m setting a goal (I guess) for is to not disappear as much. 

If you don’t know me that well a quick rundown. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. Growing up how I did gave me a ton of skills but also gave me a ton of trauma. 

The biggest challenge for me that I battle with is abandonment. In my opinion the hardest of the traumatic responses to battle. Why? 

When it comes to abandonment it stems from a lack of attention at a young age. As you get older you tend to find those relationships maybe even drawn to that behavior. You may have fought for the attention you needed but it was a losing battle, now you have it reinforced in your brain that you don’t deserve it. You are made to feel like you aren’t important enough to gain the attention. This is a pendulum that swings two vastly different directions. One swing can be the shutdown the other the constant need and overwhelmingly so fight for attention. 

Back to that why i think it’s the hardest to overcome. The way I see it we crave attention at different levels and times. We as humans no matter how “on my own” we say we are, at some point human care comes into play. The problem is that it’s completely out of our control who gives us the attention we need. How do you battle an enemy you can’t even get to?

For me... I’m the shutdown. I take myself out of play. Days, weeks, months even. I’ve come to terms with myself over the last year and I’m not going to fight for anyone’s attention. Does it hurt? Yes sometimes more that any other pain I’ve felt. However the freeing from dependency or co-dependence makes up for it. 

The shutdown trigger is what I’m going to work on. I have some places I know of to start but overall It’s a shot in the dark. I’m currently in that shutdown mode, you may have noticed my profile picture... or lack thereof. It’s a reaction to my brain telling me “you can vanish and no one will care.” So I do. The issue is I go dark and the abandonment feels even more real. 

In the grip of “do people really not care?” Going dark compounds the problem. Now the feeling of alone is amplified because now no one even sees me for real. I say it a lot I think, “reach out and check on your friends when they’re on your mind.” I try and live by that simply because I feel alone more than not. I never wish that feeling on anyone. I promise no FRIEND will be mad at you for saying hey! Or you were on my mind and I just wanted to say hi. 

The wrap up and goal, I’m going to try and not do the shutdown and going dark. At this point I still feel alone but making myself even more alone isn’t going to help. The goal is against my will I’m going to be more vocal about my needs. As a male it’s definitely a stigma to ignore your feelings because no one cares or sees it as weakness, and even more now in the climate of this amazing women’s movement there seems like even less space for men to discuss feelings because “it’s not about us anymore.” But it’s about humans now and we should all listen to each other. 

I leave you with- live as though the world is what it should be to show it what it could be. MH