Something Different

 

I’ve told you how I see a story, I’ve told you how I build a story, I’ve told you how I tell a story. Then we took a few journeys into my personal stories. Some hit some missed. Now something different. A weekly story you are able to watch unfold. Upfront this story is not a reflection of true events nor real people. Enjoy -MH 

  On this late night I’m sitting in this car waiting. This is a street I’ve only been down a hand full of time before. The rain has stopped but everything is still damp, my windows are slightly fogged as I look out. It’s one of those streets that a big city uses to feel more small town. The street bleeds into grass held in by a small curb. The side walk is just big enough for two people, if they like each other. 

A woman in a soft looking white long coat comes into view. She looks like something out of one of those rom-com movies too, with the street light setting her a glow against the wet concrete. She disappears every few steps behind the annoyingly evenly planted trees. 

Oh I know her, that’s that girl I met at Brit’s party. What was her name? Am I staring? I bet this dude alone in a running car on a street like this looks super sketchy. I reach up and flip on my dash light for the driving company I work for. 

  Walking home always sucks, knowing I’m this close always gives me that last little boost to make it. God why did I wear these shoes? Really why did I buy these shoes?

Looking down at my still almost white flats that totally should never be worn in the rain but stupid me didn’t look at the weather. 

When I get home I hope Brit and Jacob are upstairs in her room so I can just go down to mine and not deal with them tonight. No worries, no drama, no bra. 

A smile distorts my face. Who’s car is that? Oh shit there’s a guy in there.. creeper. Did he just flip that light on so I didn’t think he was creepy, wait am I the creepy one now? Janice, stop just keep walking he probably didn’t see you anyway. 

   My fare almost rips my door handle off. I click the lock to let them in. My night of driving around semi drunk very loud people. The things I do to fill my sleepless nights with. Hopefully this one tips and not in vomit. 

Pulling away from the curb I forgot how wet the street was, my tires break traction and spin.

  I watch as that pickup driver leaves to make sure that creeper didn’t see where I lived. His squealing tires as he leaves put the fucking Cherry on top, “Someone’s cool aren’t they?” I look on in worry for the person he just probably kidnapped...

Don’t F*** Wit My Energy

 

Energy is all around us. Even if it’s only electricity floating around in the air. If like me you fancy yourself an empath or not, you can pick up on that energy. Sometimes you meet a person and you just click or just flat out can’t be around them. You may not know why but it’s there and you can feel it. Ding, ding, ding, you guessed it it’s that person’s energy. 

em·path

/ˈempaTH/

Learn to pronounce

noun

1. (chiefly in science fiction) a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual.

   
   

   em·pa·thy

   /ˈempəTHē/

   Learn to pronounce

   noun

   1. the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

      
      

      
      
   2. There are a lot of people who don't believe in someone's empathic nature, they call it nonsense. However most believe in someone having Empathy. Now at this point you can get into a God debate over it, or physic mumbo jumbo. Or you can take it for what it is.
   3. 
      
   4. I do believe in something past this world, but I also believe in free will and that negates your path being all planed out for you. What does this have to do with energy? It all comes back to being able to feel someone’s energy or at least perceive how it makes you feel. We have the free will to choose who we surround ourselves with and how much we connect with them. We can also choose what we put out into this world. Our energy is just as important as the next persons. 
      
      
      As a creative I think most creatives are more sensitive to another person’s energy. Negative especially, not to say one negative person can control us but it kicks off a snowball effect that is sometimes hard to stop. The same goes for that all important positive energy person, they can give you a spark that ignites a fire that doesn’t burn out. 
      
      
      In my last post I talked about how you can put some positivity into a creative’s energy bank, now I’m telling you why it’s important. 
      
      
      Two nights ago I went to a social function that has been paused for the last year. We’ve all been on pause for too long and sitting still in one way or another. As I kinda forced myself to go and closed myself off to the people who now seem like strangers to me, one person in particular came up and started talking to me. Like really talking not the cheap “hey” but asking meaningful questions and engaging. 
      
      
      In this conversation I felt an energy that I missed, I can not stress enough how important it is to surround yourself with people who’s energy picks you up. Not saying that people who have negative energy should be cast off into a corner or something. Maybe just know you can’t talk to that person about certain things because you have to protect your energy. 
      
      
      Here’s where that energy bank I mentioned comes into play. Your energy bank is a safety deposit box room that holds everything that makes you, you. Your loves, your interest, your motivations, your discouragements. If you don’t keep that safe you can find yourself unhappy with no end on the horizon. You can make deposits as well as  withdrawals from this bank. In my opinion the fee for putting out negative comments or energy is very high. To me being a positive energy source never has a fee and can sometimes even give you a little something in return. Kinda like that round up the change thing where you end up with an extra $100 at the end of the month.  
      
      
      So we have a energy bank, we can put out positive or negative energy, and we have free will. What the heck am I trying to say? I’m making the point that it is so much more beneficial to keep good energy around you and give some back. Looking at your energy as a form of payment or currency can change how you spend it. Looking at your effort that way is important too. Do you want to spend your money on something you know isn’t worth it? The same goes for your energy and effort. 
      
      
      To summarize that crazy, you can choose how to spend your time and energy. Positive energy is a paycheck and negative energy is a tax. The more positive energy you receive and put out the richer you’ll be. The more negative you use the faster you’ll end up unhappy and closed for business or bankrupt. So next time you find yourself in a conversation or situation you don’t want to be in think about how you’re spending. The next time you have the opportunity to put some positivity into the world see what it actually gives back to you. -MH 

Creative(s)

 Hello again, or hello for the first time if you’re new here. Thanks for stopping by I know it takes some effort to click and read these and I can’t tell you how much it means to me... well us. 

 You may be asking yourself  “who’s us?” Do I have a guest blogger or maybe an interview? 

I asked two of my favorite creatives to give me a top 5 list. Now if you’re not a creative or at least not trying to make something of it the information in this blog is definitely for you. If you’re one of my creative community members you’ll probably relate to some or all of this. 

Back to that open. I am truly thankful for support and even more for feedback and interaction. Those are the things that will help me (us) grow. Clicking that like button is important algorithms aside, comments about what you like or maybe didn’t like so much are necessary. Don’t be afraid to hurt our feelings because almost nothing you can say is worse than what we fill that empty with. 

I recently did a test in my Instagram story, it was done over a few weeks. I first did a series of polls asking about if followers knew about my work. Mixed results but most had no idea I’ve written books or this blog and was a guest on a few podcasts. I know maybe I should talk/post about it more.. next I asked for blog topics anything goes nothing was off limits. This is where I already knew the results before I hit post.

You guessed it not one response (well I got one literally as I was hitting the delete button. Thanks best friend I see you) I watched who and when people saw the story over the about 24 hours it stays up. Going from 2 views in 40 minutes to well over 20 the next hour. By the end 50 people saw it and not one suggestion. At this point I knew I was going to write about how that comes across. Now I was kinda mad so it was going to be a little salty. 

Instead I decided to reach out to my peers. One involved in visual arts and the other a maker. I asked them to give me their top five helps and hurts for supporting your creative friend/family. 

I am not at all surprised by these lists btw and that means you can apply these to almost any creative you know. One big thing I can whole heartedly say is we really do need your support. 

We’ll start with the not helpful lists I’m going to combine the lists.

NOT HELPFUL 

1a. Re-imagine your path, for you

Yeah this is always meant well but better left unsaid 

1b. Taking your stuff/items and not using it

This is a big one, I’d give away books if I knew I’d actually get helpful feedback (for real hit me up and I’ll hook you up) 

2a. Buying something you make from a big store

This is a really big one I see in the maker community, if you have a friend that is selling jewelry or hard goods and you go get the exact same thing from a store or something it can be seen as “people don’t see or value my work.” Especially close friends or family. 

2b. Trying to curb your expectations by offering what they think are alternative options

I can’t say I’ve had this exact experience but I will say that anytime you dislike something just say it and let us figure it out and answer our questions about your opinion as a fall back to help us understand. 

3a. That condescending high-voiced encouragement lol

This is probably my most hated non-helpful. I’m everyone’s hype man but I’m for real hype for you. Nothing worse than a fake hype person. 

3b. (This one is mine) telling me how much you want to read/buy my books but not having a real intent to 

Yes it’s money no I don’t think it grows on trees but neither does hard work and effort. I put everything I am into my work and it won’t hurt my feelings if you say it’s just not for you. It does hurt when I dread looking at my sales sheet and seeing a big fat zero after ten people told me how much they wanted to read it. However here are some ways you can help us out! 

Helpful 

1a. Random “i-see-you” acknowledgement

Yo! I see you, is probably a quick text in my phone at this point. And I really do see you, and I want you to know it too. I may not have the money to buy up all your work and I’d look real weird with one plant earring in but I see your hard work and I want to acknowledge it. You sat behind a camera and laptop screen for hours to put out that dope video let me just double tap that and share it to my story. Speaking of..

1b. Share my stuff on social media

This is probably the most important, even if it doesn’t bring us any business it still feels good to have someone share your work. All the warm fuzzies. Ps if you always like a post-share but never actually say anything it’s kinda 😒hit  um with “this my friend look” for bonus points. 

2. Actually be supportive

I’m 50/50 on supporting my friends. What’s too much what’s not enough. Should I share this or what? When in doubt comment what you like if it’s a product let them know it’s something you’d buy even if it’s a quick “oh I’d love that in gold” because you never know if they can use that feedback. 

3a. Sharing info on pop up events my products are being sold  

Friend has work page- all the information is there. It is super helpful to share a work page because it gets more eyes on them and who knows it could just get them there big break! 

3b. Asking genuine questions of interest

Not one artist/maker I know will ever turn down an opportunity to talk about their work, especially if it’s a genuine question. Their passion will infect you and at that point it is up to you to spread it and unlike this virus it’s a good thing. I love talking about the world I’ve created because it’s a living thing to me. My “I’ve made it” moment will be when I have someone who’s read my work and related to a character and they light up asking me about them. 

4. Streaming/buying consuming the work obviously 

This goes for both of them. The best form of support is to just pony up and buy what they’re selling or maybe even work out a trade. Sometimes it gets hard and we understand that. 

5a. My new biggest one - i have a friend who i told about a couple new projects i’m having a hard time starting so i asked her to ask me about it every once and a while and pressure me like it’s an assignment, it’s really endearing to have someone asking questions anticipating content you haven’t published yet

This is a new one for me. I love the idea of this while it isn’t necessarily a beginners tool it would be amazing to have someone that cares enough to help you stay on track. My first book was written like this. 

5b. Give honest feedback

This. THIS! Yes creative people are often sensitive but it’s because they feel so much and passionately. Even if you don’t like something it’s helpful to let us know. Maybe don’t rip us without warning but give a good compliment sandwich (good bad good) 

So there you have it. Like, comment, share, is on posts for a reason. I had so much momentum going into the launch of my second book All That Coms After that I couldn’t be stopped but it all fell flat because I couldn’t get feedback. I can handle it being bad but being a never got off the ground is the worst pain I’ve felt... and I’ve been hit by derby girls 😳. 

Go forth and support your creative friends, I promise you won’t be disappointed and they’ll love you forever. -MH 

special thanks to my list makers. 

sea-monstrosity.com 

https://instagram.com/sunflowerstatestudios?igshid=1s8xhrpubb92u

Against My Will

 At this point if you’ve read these you probably know me better than most. One thing I’m setting a goal (I guess) for is to not disappear as much. 

If you don’t know me that well a quick rundown. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. Growing up how I did gave me a ton of skills but also gave me a ton of trauma. 

The biggest challenge for me that I battle with is abandonment. In my opinion the hardest of the traumatic responses to battle. Why? 

When it comes to abandonment it stems from a lack of attention at a young age. As you get older you tend to find those relationships maybe even drawn to that behavior. You may have fought for the attention you needed but it was a losing battle, now you have it reinforced in your brain that you don’t deserve it. You are made to feel like you aren’t important enough to gain the attention. This is a pendulum that swings two vastly different directions. One swing can be the shutdown the other the constant need and overwhelmingly so fight for attention. 

Back to that why i think it’s the hardest to overcome. The way I see it we crave attention at different levels and times. We as humans no matter how “on my own” we say we are, at some point human care comes into play. The problem is that it’s completely out of our control who gives us the attention we need. How do you battle an enemy you can’t even get to?

For me... I’m the shutdown. I take myself out of play. Days, weeks, months even. I’ve come to terms with myself over the last year and I’m not going to fight for anyone’s attention. Does it hurt? Yes sometimes more that any other pain I’ve felt. However the freeing from dependency or co-dependence makes up for it. 

The shutdown trigger is what I’m going to work on. I have some places I know of to start but overall It’s a shot in the dark. I’m currently in that shutdown mode, you may have noticed my profile picture... or lack thereof. It’s a reaction to my brain telling me “you can vanish and no one will care.” So I do. The issue is I go dark and the abandonment feels even more real. 

In the grip of “do people really not care?” Going dark compounds the problem. Now the feeling of alone is amplified because now no one even sees me for real. I say it a lot I think, “reach out and check on your friends when they’re on your mind.” I try and live by that simply because I feel alone more than not. I never wish that feeling on anyone. I promise no FRIEND will be mad at you for saying hey! Or you were on my mind and I just wanted to say hi. 

The wrap up and goal, I’m going to try and not do the shutdown and going dark. At this point I still feel alone but making myself even more alone isn’t going to help. The goal is against my will I’m going to be more vocal about my needs. As a male it’s definitely a stigma to ignore your feelings because no one cares or sees it as weakness, and even more now in the climate of this amazing women’s movement there seems like even less space for men to discuss feelings because “it’s not about us anymore.” But it’s about humans now and we should all listen to each other. 

I leave you with- live as though the world is what it should be to show it what it could be. MH 

Own survivor

 

So after just over a month of limited social media I realize a few things about myself. And when I say realize I’m really saying I’ve accepted them more. 

I believe in dreams, I believe in hope. However I also am rooted in reality. I don’t know if that makes me an optimist or a realist?

As far as hope goes, you really couldn’t make it through life with out some kind of hope, hope for better, for kids, money, or maybe just hope to one day be able to just simply hope. Now dreams on the other hand.. those are subject to a lot of factors. I realize something I never thought could be possible. There are people out there that don’t really have dreams. That was something that in all my observations of people that I never once thought of. 

 I believe most of my character traits of a INFJ personality type. From the wanting to know the Why. You can tell me you like that cool car. What I hear is the color grabs your attention, the body lines are striking and you could see yourself in it. So as to say it’s all about the subtext and trying to figure out why.

 Back to people not having dreams. I recently understood that to some it is enough to just be. Nothing more nothing less. That thought was alien to me, I always as far as I can remember have had a dream of what or who I wanted to be. So actually taking in the fact that just living the day to day is all that some people want split my head open like a coconut. It got me thinking about my dreams and if it was actually ok to give up on them? 

 So I took a break from social media to think about my affect in this world and if my dreams really matter? The first thing I felt was if it was that easy for me to disappear how would trying to be a writer really go anywhere? Then I started to watch what my absence changed. I slowly lost all the vanity of wondering if people noticed or cared that I was MIA. 

 The next thing that crushed my world was when the big picture started to fall into place. I was laying in bed my head under the pillow to block out the sounds and the light in hopes sleep would actually come. I thought about how if anyone actually wanted to read my work or if they do it because I ask. That lead to the self doubt door and that always leads to “what would happen if I wasn’t here anymore?” Then BOOM! Like a crack of thunder I thought of my two little girls and how I want to know who they grow to be. Would they be friends or kinda distant like me and my sisters. I thought of my wife and who she’d be after. Then I stopped and thought man you know what I just want to know and being here no matter how shitty it feels sometimes or how alone I feel, I just have the want to know what happens and that want is way bigger. 

  Flash forward a few weeks. A new shiny though came to me. Why am I the way I am? Yeah that was a can of worms. I know I’m abrasive, arrogant, smart mouthed, and combative. I can surly address this right? Or is it a link back to childhood? 

 I see enemies everywhere because I was taught to see the world like combat. Every situation is a fight, every moment is combat. It wasn’t all bad because it showed me that you are never out of the fight especially if your mind still works. And hell if your mind and body still work you’re doing pretty damn well. 

 It’s painful to realize that you were lead to believe that you had to be this way for any reason... but when you’re told it’s because of the color of your skin it becomes personal on a deep level. One that just like your skin will be with you forever. 

  So here I am, back to writing. Back to put part of me on a page. Back to say that as much as I want to be a person who doesn’t have dreams and can just live the day to day and that’s enough. That ain’t me. As much as I’d like to bury my head in the sand and pretend I’m anyone else but me. I can’t. I may be that list of things but I am also a lot of other things to different people. 

  It is exhausting to go spend 8 hours just going through the motions. That’s the dream I have to hold on to, that one day I’ll be doing exactly what I want, that’s the hope I don’t think I ever really lost. So if you’re like me and have a dream lean into it, don’t let the world around you suck out your spirit. If you aren’t like me and are fine just being, support your friends that are trying to chase a dream! It means so much that you have a support system, but it sucks when you feel like you don’t. A like, share, or a “good job” can be the difference between that person giving up that day or pushing to the next. 

I will leave you dreamers with something I heard the other day, “imagine how many people gave up right before things where going to click. Gave up because it was so hard for so long and that was it. They were done and they were so close to making it. Imagine that.” 

-MH

What’s in a Brain

 

Trigger warning ⚠️ 

So what’s in a brain, gooey organic you? Or maybe a vast universe or different consciousness. Some say both. 

One thing that I find very interesting that can reside in the brain is hurt. Not a TBI or anything physical, but pain that is more or less likely attached to your soul. 

Yeah I know some of you may not believe you have a soul or that’s to religion for you. But when I say soul I talking about what makes you... you. Yes both that pain I mentioned and the pleasure on the flip side of that coin find ways to latch on to it. 

The thing I’m stuck on right now and the thing that always comes seeping back into my mind especially this time of year is the hurt and the pain someone else can be going through that we otherwise would have no clue is going on. 

As some of you may know I have a Battarang with the letters TH tattooed on my arm. In my young adult life a friend made the ultimate choice. One I also have thought about. 

He was very much like me, ultra creative, super friendly and supportive. Could make you laugh just as fast as make you want to punch him. Along with so much more. 

I reference this because in a blink things can change that scale of,  be here/leave here could tip and that’s it..

Bringing me back to the point of what I’m trying to say, we are all here dealing with life and no real instruction manual. With very real proof that what works with some definitely does not work with others. I stop and think about how insanely wild it is that some people go through all their lives without once thinking about self harm. While others live in an existence of that’s the only thing they think about. 

This isn’t a PSA or a love your friends announcement. Rather a reminder that just because for you life sucks but your brain doesn’t feed you harmful thoughts, someone else’s is. That just because you your brain doesn’t say “hey you could not be here and they’d move on over time.” Don’t think that’s the way it is for everyone. 

Now I know what you’re thinking by now “oh Matt don’t feel that way. You’re loved and people would miss you.” While I thank you for that, this post isn’t about me. While I have good days and bad ones, this is about the ones sitting next to you in silence. This is about the people who read your comments on someone who is open about this and thinking to themselves “well no one would care about me.”

Yeah I wonder how many people think about that? I know I do. For every post about mental health paths how many are sitting in the crowd thinking “must be nice” with a brain saying shut up stupid no one likes you? 

This blog is about them. This blog is for them. One thing I want to stress is I’m very open about my battles not because I’m not afraid (while this is partially true) it’s because I see the people who are battling in silence. It can be as little as a look or a slip of tongue or as big as a private message. But I fucking see you and believe I’m right here and would not ever turn you away. 

It’s sometimes hard to read a post about how if any of my friends are struggling I’m here for you. They always seem empty. Not because you don’t actually feel that way but because I know I’m never going to reach out to you. I have the hand full of people that I’d maybe say something to because I’m not going to make them worry or get sad or anything. If I feel that way I can only imagine how many others do as well. 

Last point is, one battle is not the same as any other. My view is not the same as anyone else. I do not speak for everyone and would never want to. I’m open because every voice is important because every individual is important. The last year and especially the last month have been extremely difficult for some so today... Valentine’s Day and all the days going forward remember that love is not a four letter word. Loving yourself is ok. Most importantly realize that everyone is different so that thing you think is loving and helpful may not be. Instead of saying reach out to me for help, maybe you should reach out to them and just have a random conversation. 

To people that know me know I will pop into your DMs with random things or just to talk because you were on my mind or I was worried. Maybe even hit you with a BOOBS! Just to make you smile because I love you all. -MH

Shades of Gray

 

Laying here, already in bed because the burn of 4am is way to close to stay up with you like we used to. Having already turned off the light because I wasn’t sure if you’d come in or wind down alone.. again. 

 To my surprise you pop in the room as if you knew I missed you. Maybe a burp, or a random personal fact about you interrupts the news guy or whatever movie I turned on to drown out the noise in my head. Most married people have become accustom to bodily functions, some even grow to find them cute. Like in this moment of pure you. 

I roll thinking, you must be so awake. So not ready for bed. Guilt keeps my lips tight. Now eyes glued to you as your back is lit by the blue glow of the tv. You pop  your back after your shirt comes off and hits the dirt, clean clothes pile that we say will get put away. 

I want to be so mad that that pile is still there. I look at it for a second thinking just that. But before I know it they betray me and land back on you. You twist awkwardly as you reach to unclasp your bra. Again hitting that pile. 

Only this time I don’t follow it. I watch the light dance up the wings. No sounds hits my ears from this point forward. The news man could be saying the world is on fire and troops are going door to door, and I wouldn’t care. 

I think god does she know how attractive she is? Have I told her today that I still think this after all these years? Two kids, and 32 years of life look so good on you. Skin fair and aglow in a sky blue tv haze. I think I said  “hey beautiful in a text this morning.” Or was that yesterday? The 3:25am mornings make it hard to keep track of normal people days. Stupid 3am. Why did I do this to myself, I’m a ghost haunting this house between the hours of 1pm-8pm. 

You aren’t facing me, you are maybe looking at your plants, maybe picturing your ideal day and how it didn’t involve a 60 year old’s bed time. 

All that in the millisecond it took you to slide your pants off. Wait what was I just thinking? I don’t remember but seeing your butt is like the first time every time. Back when we were 17 about to be 18 and thinking I’d never be her type but dang that booty. Back when I had a million tricks none of which you’d seen yet. 

How is she not bored of me yet. I’m one step above lame. My mood is often hard to read... “I don’t mean to Mr. Frodo. A picture of Samwise sad and sulking enters my mind. That must have been so hard for him to go through all of that and constantly have to prove to Frodo he had his back.. Frodo was kind of a dick. 

Wait what did you say? I look up lifting my head from this awful pillow. You repeat the idea of what you said. Out of frustration and saying the same thing over all this time, I respond “no I get that but what did you say”

You now facing me repeat words that I believe mean something but at this moment I can’t remember my name. I think I respond but at this point I’m not even sure who is at the controls in my head. 

With one more back cracking twist you say how you hope something happens, the dog sleeps, the girls clean up, the world gives us a break. 

You climb into bed with a plop and with so much motion it’s like a tornado of blanks. Cold air fills the warm bubble I made. “What?” You look into my eyes. Can you even see them between the dark and the tv glare? I’m not sure how you think I have nice eyes, yours are literally so beautiful. When’s the last time I’ve said that to her? 

The weird look between husband and wife when one says “what?” And the other doesn’t answer. Why is it that we think the worst in that moment? Did you think I’d say I had cancer? Or maybe drop some kinda bomb on you laying here in bed. Dude can you imagine how fucked that would be? Climbs in bed, “oh by the way I’ve been unfaithful. Good night.” 

Oh yeah you asked me a question and my mind ran away again. Nothing, I respond with a smile that unsettles you more. Your smile isn’t exactly one of happy but damn even in this dark room and the shadows running around that smile is perfect. In this moment everything I’m sad or mad at you for is gone I know I will wake to those feelings but here and now do they even matter?  

Ahhhhh! Your freezing toes hit my warm legs and snap me painfully back to this bed and the physical body I make move around. You laugh and say “told you” you could have but the last however long I still haven’t really heard anything because my mind is moving faster than I can ever explain to anyone. 

Your icicle feet slide away. I don’t want that so I use this long body I make move around trap your ankles and pull them back to my side and let them warm on my legs. 

The tv sound fills the room all of the furniture in our room is black or white, including us as we become part of the bed. As everything blinds together gray is life and sleep and tomorrow and all the time till we do this the next night. 

3:25 am I leave you and the warm, do you know I’m getting out of bed? Do you miss my weight next to you? I can’t turn back to look at you because the room is too dark and that dumb blue light blinds me. It’s good because I may not open the door. Stupid 3:25 am... I spin the dimmer switch in the kitchen my day without you is starting and I don’t know when it will end. Please wait till haunting hours are over for that next split of time and color and anger and sad, and worry, and fear, and armor I put on to keep everything else safe. Stupid 3:25 am