It’s Better to Burnout Than Fade Away

 “The king is dead but not forgotten” a lyric from Hey Hey, My my. 

 It’s again been awhile since I’ve written one of these. I wish I could say that’s because I’ve been caught up in a whirlwind of exciting things and adventures. Unfortunately that isn’t the cases. Well not completely… 

  The funny thing about life is no matter how hard or annoying it gets it doesn’t slow down. Every second is now past and that, that. Something I have learned is you are in control of every second. Even when it doesn’t feel like it. The struggle to feel in control of my life is Effing real. 

  I don’t necessarily have the need to control every part of my life but the parts I should have a choice in make it hard sometimes. I always believed “live fast, die young.” So the slow slog through mediocrity sucks. 

  Right now, look around and ask yourself, what’s one thing I could change right this second? Doesn’t matter what it is, in that second you just took control. Now what’s the next thing? Now the next, and the next? That’s all it takes to change your life. 

  We can fight and say “one day” or “tomorrow” this is a change we want to make, but in the end did you? I suck at finishing books (reading them) so I decided to start using audio books. In just a short time I’ve completed more books than I can remember. I hope it will translate to being a better writer, a better friend, a better coach, and teammate. 

  As for the adventures I spoke of before, post CoViD restrictions have things I once enjoyed back in full-ish swing. I picked up hockey again, took an opportunity to make a change in my life. Roller derby also started back up. 

 Ahh, that fickle thing I have a love hate relationship with. I’ve gone back and forth between being done and still finding peace in the chaos of a jam. People say that they could never play ice hockey, but they play roller derby!?!? Like for real it’s like chess to checkers. 

 The difference is the team atmosphere and dynamics. On the derby track, you literally (mostly) rely on your blockers to help. So regardless of how badass you feel someone somewhere helped you weather you say it or not. On the ice some players are know to go coast to coast and go bar down. That’s going from one end of the ice to the other unimpeded and putting the puck past the goaltender, hitting the crossbar of the net and in doing so the puck deflects down into the net. 

  GOAL! But even in that moment of badassory your team is still there, you teammates still have to go out and put in the work after you score. So now what? You have control here as well. Being a cheerleader, a teacher, slapping them on the pads and telling them to forget that bad pass or turnover. Because they will have more seconds coming to make up for it. “Forget it, you got this. Next shift it’s all you buddy” 

  In derby things happen so fast it’s sometimes hard to find the one good thing you did do. I try and coach my team to hold on to those. Find that one thing in that jam you did do, “go out there and do that again. Build off it!” Control what you can control is always my game plan. 

  So why is it in everyday life that gets lost? Some may say society and social roles blah blah blah. I say when you take the track or ice, or jogging path or that place you do that thing you like (not the denny’s bathroom) that is who you really are. That is you in your most primal form. Who you are when you punch the time clock is just who you’re paid to be. 

  Take even a tad of that scrappy attitude you have in your hobby with you. I’m sure you have moments of frustration in your hobby, but if you’re still doing it you took that control and forced it right back into balance. 

  I’m not saying punch your dickhead boss in the face. Unless they truly deserve it, but the mindset of happiness and I’m here because I chose to be here not any other reason. “It’s definitely not bob in reception who tells the awful jokes.” 

 Less so now I hope to think, I’m known for speaking my mind no matter the situation or time or place. (I said hope to think) I’m unapologetic in that way and I actually love that about myself. Does it make life hard? Do I have few friends because of it? Yes. Does being closed off because of my past experience hinder my ability to make friends? Also yes. However I can take control and try and be more open or welcoming. I can make changes to how I approach a given situation. 

  You can also realize areas you may be able to change for the better as you see fit to. Asking “What can I change right now, a month from now, a year from now?” Take it one step at a time or as I tell my skaters “take it one jam at a time” 

  So now we’re here, all of that to say I believe we can take a more active role in our own lives. It doesn’t have to be a big goal it can be as little as “today I want to pick that napkin up from behind that couch, that I dropped that time, and said I’d get it later but never did.” Well guess what? It’s later baby! 

  My change was to make a new friend who I thought could also benefit from a new friend as well. I’m happy to say it has paid off. 

  Now if you’ve made it this far I do want to give you an actual update on my writing. Yes Book III of the HWR trilogy is done and I still need to find an artist (if I can’t I may just release it as is and hurt my souls a bit by not having art. I have started two other projects one a screenplay titled Skeptic, a haunting but is drawing parallels to depression. As well as a book (I know I said I was done with writing books somewhere) titled Tin Hearts, it follows a detective Dalton Glass. As he tries to hunt a serial killer who has been leaving parts of their victims in tin hearts around the city. His troubles in life mimic my own story and some of the events from his past are real events that happened to me. 

Thank you for sticking around, it means more than you know. I appreciate each and every one of you. -MH 

TBD

 

TBD… To be determined, that which hasn’t been decided yet. It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these but here I am. They define insanity as, doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. 

  Asking for help or to be seen is that example for me. I did a little research this past year. I’ve posted pictures and paid attention to the reactions, I’ve made pointed posts noting interactions. The biggest is I looked at my Facebook memories almost every day to get a feel for what I did and didn’t do as far as trying to be seen or asking for help. 

  In a way this was foolish. What do you think it showed me? That I am loved and cherished? Or just like most alone and average? Well I can tell you any time I asked for help it got zero likes. I can also tell you that a picture of me and my wife or kids even though no one knew why I took the picture, those received close to 60 reactions. 

  I thought about posting or not posting about this but I feel it’s important to humble yourself and walk in reality. With that here I am. 

  I will say there are some who hold a high place in my heart and I appreciate them. 

  This time last year I released my second book. I felt like I had so much momentum going into the week of the release. It was the biggest failure I’ve ever faced. I believe I gave away more than I sold (I didn’t give away that many) in the last year. 

  I thought I’d do podcast and get my name out there… also a flop. When polled most people didn’t know I’d even been on a few. So I posted links everywhere. Waited two months and put up the same poll. Wouldn’t you know it? Same result. At this point I looked inward, what can I change what pride can I swallow? 

  So I changed my book profiles from book specific to more me. I think that actually hurt more than it helped. I got really discouraged. A friend (yes a real one) started doing book reviews about the same time. I found myself growing jealous of how quickly it grew. Not in an angry way but in a “it really is me” kinda way. 

  I think the best worst part about that was they even did a review on my book and gave it a 4.5 out of 5. That’s awesome but the level of failure I felt at this point, it felt like they were just being nice. Just like everyone else that has read my work up to that point. 

  What happened next? I dropped all my creative work. The new story I was crafting, things I wanted to build. I had just rebuilt my want to create. I lost a pet and it hit me hard. After all of that I found myself back in a familiar element. 

  With covid in a rear view vaccinated and feeling like maybe it’s a fresh start. I went back to a sport I love. (Mind you some of this is happening at the same time) helping a new group become who they’ve always been. Watching them grow and take on all the challenges that came with picking up a new sport. I again found that spark. I wanted to write I wanted to create. (Now the timelines are all synced up) BOOM the hits kept coming. Again I was humbled. 

  If you’re still with me, this is not meant to be a bleeding heart story. It is I guess but this is the point I want to most get across. I pride myself on being as real and authentic as I can. This makes me an asshole in most circles. I can deal with that. I can deal with failure as a writer. The thing that hurts the most is seeing how many times I asked for help and it went unanswered. What hurts was while seeing how those asks were invisible to most; the same people where posting about “reach out if you need anything” and all that other garbage feel good “I’m a good person right?” Crap. What I hope you can take away from this is: do the work, not everyone is your friend (that includes family unfortunately), don’t claim to be a supportive friend and not hit the damn share button. 

  The last thing I wanted to say, after the BLM movement took strong hold and “buy black” and “support black business, creators, artists” became the hashtags, I became bitter because I wasn’t seeing any of that support. I had to apologize for that. So that brings me here, I was born to create, and I can’t ignore that. I will keep writing but will you ever see it by choice or otherwise? TBD. MH-

A Letter to My Younger Self

 I’ve been reflecting a lot. I’ve changed my social media, I’ve changed my standards for relationships in my life, I’ve even addressed my relationship with myself. One thing I haven’t done is talk to my younger self. 

For those of you who don’t know… I didn’t grow up in or with stability. I didn’t grow up in a place that produces the best outcomes. One choice could have put me on a different path. I was brought up with a high moral standard and for that I am very thankful. 

I saw an exercise where people wrote a letter to their younger selves and I started to think about what I’d say, but instead I’m going to actually write it. I encourage you to do the same before you lose the ability to forgive yourself. I’m writing to my 7/8 year old self because that was the last time I was able to be a kid.

To my younger self, 

First, dude don’t ever lose your wit and sharp as a tac word play. People may give you the looks that you don’t understand but trust me it’s a good thing. In fact lean into it start writing the stories you come up with in all their vivid details. When it comes to people, man I don’t know what to say. Just know not everyone is worth your heart. You love big and deep, and that’s ok but not everyone can and even fewer know how to handle that. You are going to see and feel that sting more times than I care to tell you but if you can learn it’s not your fault now, you can save some of the pain and not knowing, that will keep you awake the rest of your life. 

 When it comes to love, again not everyone is worthy of you. You have the best and cutest intentions but that doesn’t matter. Be you and let them come to you. Yes they may not ever come but again it will save you pain and being used. 

Now for the big stuff, it is not your fault, or responsibility. IT IS NOT yours to carry. You should have never been told it’s up to you to keep them safe. That is not a job for an 8 year old kid. You have a natural protecter mentality but believing that’s what you are on this earth to do is not true. Yes you can, but it doesn’t mean you should especially that young. 

Remember the good times, you will learn the difference between a father and a dad. They are not the same thing. Be a kid while you’re a kid and don’t go too fast buddy. I know you hate when people call you buddy but I’m running out of things to call you. 

You will grow up strong, you will grow up caring but don’t forget to take chances and make mistakes. Yes I know we judge ourselves on how fast we can fix a mistake or stop it from happening all together but it doesn’t matter. Take those chances, join sports when you get older and have more say in what you do. 

One thing that I can tell you that I am and will always be proud of is your ability to look into a situation and see it for what it is and pick out the good and let the rest go. Keep that and let it guide you. I promise it will not let you down. You will give advice and learn so much from that one skill. 

Last few things, friends are friends. People you know are not your friends and that’s ok but keep the fake people out of that big heart. Your shield may be big but you still need room for yourself behind it. Maybe that way not everything will be a fight to you if you take the opportunity to block and not swing. Love you first, everyone else comes second. While yes “you can either be the super hero or the super villain” you can also just fucking be and that’s ok. The 100% or 0% way of life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. 

You will lead, you will fall, you will fail, but you will never give up. 

-MH

No Fear

 

I’ve been asked a few times over the last month if I panic, get nervous, and do I get afraid? All of them were in different situations and different reasons for asking. It made me think hard about myself. 

  To answer it, yes I do have fear, yes I panic, hell yes I get nervous. What I don’t do is let any of those things stop me. Why should I? Why should you, or anyone for that matter? 

I recently read a book about body language and something that stuck with me was the saying “fight or flight” is actually backwards and missing a key part. The real saying is “freeze, flight, fight” as to say your natural response should be to Freeze first, then run if you can, and lastly fight if you must. It blew my mind! 

For me I really felt better hearing that. My mind moves so fast (scary fast) that I can decide what my best course of action could be in the time it takes most people the time to realize the problem in the first place. 

How this relates to fear, my freeze responds is definitely first but it doesn’t last long. Next I go through all the possibilities to run or fight. I make the best choice for the situation. I’ve been very lucky so far in my life lol. 

I don’t believe I’m different from anyone, I just lean into the fear. Could I fail? Will it hurt? Is that blocker going to light me up like a Christmas tree? Yeah all of that is on my mind but what could be or what is on the other side of that fear is way too good to not push past it. 

After a hockey game a teammate asked if I panic? I’d got stuck in the corner with the puck and made a play to a teammate without question or worry. I laughed because I didn’t understand the question. Now I realize they were asking because from their point of view it looked scary and I just reacted. 

At work a district manager asked if I was worried about a random task. Mind you it was a big unexpected obstacle, but I smiled under my mask and told them no, it’s just another job that has to get done. No sense in worrying right? They laughed and said “damn I love that attitude” 

The most recent was at a practice, I was asked if I was nervous before testing skills. This is the one that sat with me the most. Now mind you in 5 years of skating I’ve tested a lot. In the moment seconds before starting my endurance run I was stuck thinking “am I nervous?” Yeah I am, what if’s creep in I don’t think you can ever really stop those thoughts. I think, what if I fall, or cramp? Even worse what if I have an equipment failure? 

Days after that I’m here writing this because it had such a big pull on me. I now realize that that is fearing the unknown, fear of the things outside of your control. In my understanding I believe that is fearing fear itself. So much of what we do in life is uncertain, just getting out of bed could be all you have left of your life… as morbid as that sounds, you get up and go through your day taking so many chances that are just “normal” why not take the chances on things you enjoy regardless of fear? 

Yeah I do crazy things on the track and on the ice but that’s because I enjoy what I do with everything I am and to hold back because of fear would also hold back the fun I’m going to have. I am more afraid of regret than I am of anything else. Dodging a hit, dashing through a gap in a derby wall. They are both exciting and that’s why I love to play. Using my speed on the ice and aggressive play to help bring energy to my team is a role I love to think I’m filling. In all of that I don’t have room for fear I got things to do and memories to make. Go make some of your own. -MH 

Note: The picture above is right before I had my feet kicked out from underneath me. I knew the hit was coming and I was ready for it… it still didn’t go my way but I wouldn’t have changed a second of it because now it’s one of my favorite derby memories. Just look at this next picture 

Twenty seventh Wheel

 

I wonder if he is really going to come? I think to myself sitting on the steps of my row house. My phone appears in my hand almost as if by magic maybe I never put it down and didn’t realize it. Should I text him? Did he think I was joking earlier? I’m not sure why I’m so worried about this. The rush of anxiety starts on the track like a bullet train, before it can reach max speed, DING DING from my phone. “Your driver Mike is almost there.” I feel my heart take control of that bullet train happy washes over me and suddenly I’m more concerned about how my breath smells...

Mike be cool ok. Not you trying to be cool just be actually cool. I have no idea what I’m getting into here. Did she really want me to come along tonight? 

With a gentle glide my car pulls up to her curb. I flip my dash light on, the sound of my heartbeat is louder than the click of the light. Janice walks towards my car...

I can’t hide the smile on my face, grabbing the passenger door handle, with a embarrassing clunk it doesn’t open and my smile slides off my face. Mike points at the back door, but quickly smiles unlocking the door. 

“That wasn’t funny.” My voice trembles sliding into the seat.

“So why are you smiling?” He asks with a look that cuts through my “tough chick” armor...

Was that too much? Reel it in Mike. I can’t believe I’m in this moment right now, I find it hard to to keep looking at her beautiful sitting next to me. Her scent fills my car, like flowers. Not artificial ones but a real flower and it calms me. I’ve very rarely had girlfriends or girls interested in me for more than things I can do for them. But this one seems different, this one feels different. 

We pull up to a small downtown back street that looks so beautiful, string lights dangling between the buildings all the storefronts aglow with neon open signs. Placing the car in park Janice hops out. I stay sitting. 

“Hey? Aren’t you coming?” Her face is framed by the car door. 

“Did you really want me to come with you?” My fear and hope colliding at once. 

Her eyes roll, “Yes!” That sweet intoxicating laugh gets me out of that car. 

We walk into an office that’s new and hip, I’m not sure what they do but I can tell they aren’t a stuffy corporate company. We loft past desks that are all unique and walls that have art from all over the world but she isn’t giving me time to stop and admire anything. I guess because she sees them everyday. The unmistakable sound of a party grows and we enter a big warehouse with probably twenty five people broken into little groups seems full of life. My fear and senses are now on full alert and I sink inside myself. 

“Would you like something to drink?” She says walking to a table but I’m kinda frozen still. 

Hours go by and she introduces me to person after person but not because she is just itching to show me off but rather to prove she’s here and with someone on top of it. After she makes her rounds to say goodbye we head back outside I notice a cool metal sculpture on a desk glinting in the faint closed office light. 

“That’s my favorite.” She calls back from a few steps ahead, “I got it for helping close a deal to help send clothing to Singapore for women in need.” She turns to walk even faster now as if she can’t be in here any longer. 

Back at my car I wait for her phone to alert. When it does  and she checks it I have my plan ready and jump wishing the fall won’t kill me, “So sorry but you have to pay for the ride otherwise you get put on a no ride list.”

“You’re kidding me right?” She looks angry.

“No really it has to be done on your end otherwise it looks like you skipped out.” She hits the icon on her phone so hard I can hear it. 

Step two in my plan is a go, “Hey so this crazy girl I gave a ride to that seemed like she wasn’t going to pay just did... you want to get some food?” I hope this all sounds as smooth as I wanted it to. 

She plays it cool without a expression, “Don’t you mean I’m buying?” I think she jumps in the car to keep me from seeing her smile. 

Mission success.

Time Flies

 

Laughter floats on the wind with a sweetness. It’s coming from the overlook, only you cannot see any one standing. The only hint to people at the very top of the wooden tower is laughing and hair whipping up from time to time with the breeze. 

“Shut up, I can’t believe I told you that story!” Her voice comes with an angry sweetness like I’ve never heard or felt before. 

My heart is pounding, am I really sitting here with this pretty girl and not making a complete fool of myself? She looks at me almost as if she’s known me her entire life, “Can I ask you something?” 

“I thought that’s what we were doing?” Her voice reassuring and inviting. 

“Do you remember me?” I set my heart up to be hurt. I’m convinced I’m forgettable and the sting of being reminded must be my kink. 

Her eyes fall to the wood planks under us...

Should I remember him? Did we go to school together, or maybe, I don’t know. I feel awful I used to be so wrapped up in my own shit that I didn’t see people. 

“Sorry, don’t hate me but no I don’t.” I can see him sinking inside himself. I just killed this fun vibe we had. 

His lips that I haven’t been able to keep my eyes off of big and soft begin to part, “No it’s ok, really. We met at a party Brit had at your house. We even took a picture together look.” 

He pulls his phone out his phone. I suddenly realize neither one of us had had a phone in the others face for what seems like forever. The picture he showed me is in his favorite folder, I’m not sure if that’s sweet or creepy. It is however a good picture. He closes the photos app and I see the icon for the cheap driving app.

“Do you use them for rides? The other night I had a driver give me the worst vibe and I wasn’t even his victim.. I mean his passenger.” I laugh...

Her laugh almost makes me feel better that not only did she not remember me but she also thinks I’m a sketchy dude in a car, “Yeah I’m actually a driver for them. Actually I’m that driver.” 

Her embarrassed laugh is even cuter than her normal one, “Shit I’m sorry, that’s twice now I’ve made an ass out of myself.” 

I can’t help but still feel good, “Well now you know my side job, I kidnap people and charged them unusually low rates.” I joke hoping to ease her mind...

This boy is so sweet, very different from the dick head bros that always try and talk to me like they have me figured out. I feel more myself here in this moment than I have in the last month of work and home and friends, “Can I ask you something?” 

His brown eyes catch mine and it feels like he sees me in my rawest form, “Isn’t that what we’re doing?” He hits me with sass. 

“I know, I know, but really. I’m not sure what it is but you make me feel... I don’t know.” I lose my words 

A smirk appears on his face and it gives me the fourteen year old girl butterflies, “Yeah I know what you mean.” 

Remembering I have a few things to do tonight I know I need to go. I also have to return Brit’s car. I pull out my phone and ignore this pretty boy sitting across from me...

Her phone is in my face but not in a normal way it’s like she’s trying to be rude on purpose. Breathing in the time we just spent together realizing we can’t stay like this forever and soon we will go back to our individual lives to only most likely never see each other again. 

“Sorry I have plans tonight and had to make sure I had a ride.” An awkward grin fills her face. 

My phone dings saying someone scheduled a ride with me. I pick up my phone and it says Janice has requested you as her driver, “Really?” I chuckle. 

Her eyes roll before she hides them with her dark sunglasses. I can see myself in the reflection. Suddenly I’m reminded that she’s out of my league. No way a girl that pretty would actually want to be seen with me out in the world. I pull myself back to my base zero and that familiar lonely world is home, is safe...

“I’ve gotta go but I’ll see you later.” I stand and walk to the stairs, “Thanks Mike, I needed this.” Walking away from him feels like I’m leaving part of myself up there. Eww what is that feeling? I hope I didn’t sound crazy or even worse annoying. He probably thinks I’m lame anyway, but maybe.. the smile on my face almost hurts. Walking down these stairs I feel lighter than when I went up, he let me leave so much baggage up there and he didn’t even know me...

The Overlook

 

Let’s dive back in. -MH

The spring air feels good in my lungs, it’s that cool fresh smell that winter has left but the warm sun kissing your face just enough to get you longing for summer and fun. 

As a guy, well as a single guy there are very few places I can just go sit and enjoy being outside without looking creepy. In the city it would be a park bench, or the head of a jogging trail. I don’t need that today. So I’m here at the overlook. 

Very few places offer quite, a view, and hope the way that this does. A tall wooden structure stands high above the trees, silently it stands even in the wind. As you walk up the stairs to the very top, it’s almost like going through a public yearbook. “I was here 1999” or “A+R=4E” gouged into the wood. A history of experience and existence. 

I often wonder who these people are now, did “Follow your dreams!” Actually follow theirs? Or did “Liz & Beth love forever” really love forever? 

The closer you get to the top the more the sun peeks through the wood, the wind picks up as well. The writing becomes marker here too. It also somehow is all more recent. People’s @ dropped everywhere. As of now love is no longer important but likes and follows on an app are what life is about. I suppose the wood up here sees more weather than the more protected parts below so it gets replaced more often at least I hope that’s the reason now that I’m at the top of the decades old fire trap. 

The view is amazing I can see the city, I can see all the hills and trees. Most importantly I can feel the weight falling off of me. I noticed I’m standing in a outline with words around it. It reads “we made love right here” for a second this seems sweet then the gross feeling of what that means sets in. I hop over the outline and move to a different corner. Looking out at the trees just because. For the first time in days, no stress, no worries, just the air the clouds and the sun warming my shoulders. 

I lay down looking up at the sky and the vastness of it, “How small we really are.” I speak out loud something that at a park would get the cops called on me most likely. 

A strange sound starts to cut into my blissful quiet, I believe it’s supposed to be singing but they aren’t doing a good job at it that’s for sure. I can definitely tell it’s a girl’s voice now...

 After my girls day with my roommate got cut short because boyfriends are more important, because “we live together and see each other all the time” I decided to drive out to the overlook. This time of day no one is usually here so I can dance and sing and just be without worrying about people seeing. 

Walking up this absurd hill to this toothpick tower I’m singing one of my favorite songs at the top of my lungs just because I can. The music is playing in both ears almost as loud as it can be again just because it can. The wind flings my hair everywhere, something that would ordinarily make me mad having spent time doing it but now I don’t give a FUCK. Why should I they didn’t care about the effort I put in to have a good day out, they don’t care even a little. 

 The stairs are so far apart and make every step feel like a lunge, not a fan let me tell ya. The wind has slowed and the sun is gone so I lift my sunglasses up off of my eyes and they pull my hair back with them. 

“I can see!” I giggle to myself stopping on one of the landings to look out. “This is so beautiful. Better than being ignored at a restaurant table checking my phone for the nonexistent notifications trying to seem important.” 

I’m one set of steps away from the top and start singing again as the song ends. In that brief moment of silence I here movement above me and tense up. I slowly peek around the half wall but the sun makes everything a white screen. Quickly pulling down my sunglasses.  This is it this is how I die...

I see the girl who was making all that noise and acting like she was the only one here. First I see pretty brown high and low lighted hair, then dark black sunglasses that Audrey Hepburn would have worn. They fit her face well. Then full red lips to match. She has on a pretty white silk shirt and form fitting light blue jeans and navy and white flats. She looks afraid, “Oh hello there.” I try to ease her mind and not be creepy at the same time. 

His hello makes me feel a bit less like I’m in the open of a horror movie, “Hi, I didn’t realize someone else was here.” He isn’t wearing sunglasses, the sun is igniting his brown eyes, and light brown skin. He has a slight smile, not quite a full smile more of a smirk. The only thing typical about him is the black hoodie and blue jeans. His body language reads differently than most guys I run into, his face seems confident but I can just tell he has a world on his back and tremendous weight on his chest...

Her real voice is pleasant I actually recognize it now and another split second I realize exactly who she is. The girl from the other night at Brit’s party. Damnit I can’t remember her name, it starts with a J I think. Jamie? No. Jasmine, hell on...

Why isn’t he saying anything? Oh god he is going to kill me. At least it’s a beautiful place to die. Hey wait I know him I think, “Don’t I know you? Mark right?”

“It’s Mike actually, yeah we met a a party.”

Smooth move there Janice, “Oh I’m sorry I’m bad with names. How have you been? What are you doing here?” I ask him in that awkward conversation voice I hate...

She’s nervous, a pretty girl is nervous to talk to me? This is a new one, “It’s ok you knew it started with a M. I’m good, just living life ya know? Taking in the spring air I guess. You?” I sound so dumb I bet.

She looks at me in the eyes deeper than most people do it freezes me, “Can I be honest?” 

I break free from her gaze, “Umm, yeah?”

She takes a deep breath I watch as her chest rises and her lips part to exhale, “My roommate blew me off and I came out here to be alone and sulk.”

I get the picture, “Ahh say no more, I’ll leave you to it.” I smile a small smile and manipulate past her still in the only walkway...

Damnit I just hurt him. I didn’t mean too that’s not what I was saying. He made me feel safe and I wanted to say something real not small talk. Why am I like this? I decided to take the risk, “Hey that’s not what I meant. You can stay. You were here alone first after all. Let’s be alone together?” He turns and and that oddly cute smirk. Did I just fix something? This is a good feeling...