Ricochet

 

So this is a weird one, but in an attempt to be open and hold the mirror to myself in the rawest and uncomfortably painful way. 

  I work at 4am, yada yada yada. The point being for shift, and shift style workers, there is not necessarily direct drawbacks to that type of schedule, rather it’s the ricochets from it. A zombie in your house by the time everyone else shows up after their days. Or maybe getting on a sleeping schedule that puts you alone more often than you’d like, or meal times that prevent you from lunch dates with friends or lovers. Or in my case a large amount of time to think…

  As said in other posts I’ve been to dark places more often than I’d like, that’s my truth. I find myself in those places more often given all the time to let my mind go while at work unless I listen to something to keep my mind on track not free to travel as it pleases. 

This one is short, no big point to make just a story to tell because if I don’t my mind will chase this rabbit until I come face to face with the hatter. 

  At about 2:15am I believe my wife got up to go to the bathroom or something. Upon her return I felt her lay back down. I looked to see what time it was, I had almost an hour before my alarm goes off. Going back to sleep I thought I heard her talking (sorry babe but you do sometimes talk in your sleep. Like full ass conversations) so I rolled to look and she was sound asleep at this point it was 2:40am. I closed my eyes and head a voice as clear as the time on the clock and my sleep tracker confirms my waking times. “Hey Matt” it hissed, this was not my wife’s voice. Not a slight sleepy dream waking state. My hand on my watch from just having checked the time, leans me less towards this. Rolling over to my side facing away. The voice didn’t come from her side of the bed. It sounded like it came from directly above me. For everyone that at this point saying “it was a dream you twit” I’ve had dreams of events and things similar to this. To wake to news of someone’s death, the loss of a love, or even someone who was just in a bad way emotionally. There’s a list of people that can confirm I’ve reached out to them out of the blue and in that moment they’d been dealing with bad news or worse… 

  It’s not fear that has me writing, it’s an open letter to myself and anyone else that has had this experience or something similar. Here it sits 5:57 am and I think was that just the beginning or a one time thing? 

I love deeply and feel even deeper. I don’t fear this instead I lean towards it. It informs me, it guides me, for better or worse. I find myself on the edge of big decisions in every area of my life. Is this an signal flare sent up? Am I putting off energy in a way that pulls in turmoil? Is that the voice of a friend, foe, or just a drifter? Given how much time I have to think about it I can hear the the rabbit singing “I’m late” already. 

Hope you enjoyed this dive into the mind of a madman, I also hope you aren’t the one going through something needing someone to reach out without hope. I may be an asshole, I may be disliked, that’s also my truth, but I feel for you all the same- MH