It’s been a really long time since I’ve done one of these… sort of. Since the last one I’ve done a lot, one of those is launching a podcast (Homes Room) we talk about all kinds of topics. You can check it out, but that’s not why I’m here.
I’m here because I tried to explain what my overwhelming feelings of loneliness feel like to someone who doesn’t experience it.
Similarly to the feeling of depression (I call the weight because that’s kind of what it feels like) and anxiety (like those pictures where everything is blurry but the subject, like everything is moving so fast you but you are moving at a snail’s pace) I learned that I’m a very visual and analogy driven person. Every person who deals with any of these probably has their own way to explain it.. if they can.
When it comes to mental health it’s still widely believed that raising children strong will root it out. Or going to church every Sunday and praying before bed with fix it. It’s also believed that turmeric events can jumpstart any one of these states of being. Again not why I’m here..
Putting emotion to words is always something I want to be better at. I can’t say enough “get comfortable being uncomfortable.” Meaning don’t recoil from the hard things, try and learn from them, use them at a compass pointing away from all the sh** you don’t want. I’ve always loved the thought of Jack Sparrow’s compass, pointing out what he wants. That would be beautiful in the hard times.
The emotion I feel and have a hard time not being crushed by or surrendering to is loneliness. Friends will always say they are here for you. I think one of the most lonely times I can remember is when I was surrounded by a room full of those people. The thought of, ‘I could not be in this room and not a person would realize’ and that’s followed by 98% of them walking past.
Now I know what some of you may be thinking, but Matt you’re always so angry looking or seem like you don’t want anything to do with any person. Well that’s true.. but in those moments that’s an armor to fight against the feeling of being alone. Some people see it and ironically I assume you know the same armor from the inside.
So what does kill you from the inside out loneliness feel like? When I made a point to try and put it into words I thought about the man under a mountain, a single drip of water striking his forehead over and over. Until he can’t take it any longer and begs for release but knowing he isn’t going anywhere…
Bleak right? Well I see it a little differently but still with a water analogy in there.
I think in the deepest and most painful lonely moments I feel like I’m falling backwards, not knowing what will happen when I hit. Only to find as I become overwhelmed with sensations and sadness I feel like hitting water only in slow motion. The fall is slowing and the feeling are all around me (here where the water comes in) and my back is smacking into water and as it envelops me time moves even slower now. Knowing there isn’t a thing anyone e can do to stop it.
As that water reaches its highest point just before it would splash down on top of me time is now stopped. Stuck between the the end and the world I just left. Seeing the world clearly just not being apart of it anymore. Life keeps moving But I’m trapped in the me shaped universe of clear liquid preventing me from movement, from speaking, having to protect that last gulp of air because at some point this will pass. Right?
No one is jumping in that water next to me. The party is still going on topside I’m just no longer invited. The fear of will I drown or will I just be frozen in the purgatory? The feeling is so strong and so vivid it’s almost impossible to keep from falling into it when even the slightest thought pops into my head.
SPLASH! I hit the water and sink just long enough to get my head around all of this. I kick my feet and pull myself out of the water and try and dry off the best I can. Until the next time.
Loneliness doesn’t mean that the person is sitting in the dark, clicking a pen. Loneliness is the feeling that there is always something more important than you and people aren’t going to show you they care enough to connect. Next time you see that person who looks like they’d rip your face off if you say hi, think about how maybe that’s exactly what they do need. If my pain and willingness to put it out there does one thing I hope that is allow people to feel seen and maybe like they aren’t alone. -MH
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