Ricochet

 

So this is a weird one, but in an attempt to be open and hold the mirror to myself in the rawest and uncomfortably painful way. 

  I work at 4am, yada yada yada. The point being for shift, and shift style workers, there is not necessarily direct drawbacks to that type of schedule, rather it’s the ricochets from it. A zombie in your house by the time everyone else shows up after their days. Or maybe getting on a sleeping schedule that puts you alone more often than you’d like, or meal times that prevent you from lunch dates with friends or lovers. Or in my case a large amount of time to think…

  As said in other posts I’ve been to dark places more often than I’d like, that’s my truth. I find myself in those places more often given all the time to let my mind go while at work unless I listen to something to keep my mind on track not free to travel as it pleases. 

This one is short, no big point to make just a story to tell because if I don’t my mind will chase this rabbit until I come face to face with the hatter. 

  At about 2:15am I believe my wife got up to go to the bathroom or something. Upon her return I felt her lay back down. I looked to see what time it was, I had almost an hour before my alarm goes off. Going back to sleep I thought I heard her talking (sorry babe but you do sometimes talk in your sleep. Like full ass conversations) so I rolled to look and she was sound asleep at this point it was 2:40am. I closed my eyes and head a voice as clear as the time on the clock and my sleep tracker confirms my waking times. “Hey Matt” it hissed, this was not my wife’s voice. Not a slight sleepy dream waking state. My hand on my watch from just having checked the time, leans me less towards this. Rolling over to my side facing away. The voice didn’t come from her side of the bed. It sounded like it came from directly above me. For everyone that at this point saying “it was a dream you twit” I’ve had dreams of events and things similar to this. To wake to news of someone’s death, the loss of a love, or even someone who was just in a bad way emotionally. There’s a list of people that can confirm I’ve reached out to them out of the blue and in that moment they’d been dealing with bad news or worse… 

  It’s not fear that has me writing, it’s an open letter to myself and anyone else that has had this experience or something similar. Here it sits 5:57 am and I think was that just the beginning or a one time thing? 

I love deeply and feel even deeper. I don’t fear this instead I lean towards it. It informs me, it guides me, for better or worse. I find myself on the edge of big decisions in every area of my life. Is this an signal flare sent up? Am I putting off energy in a way that pulls in turmoil? Is that the voice of a friend, foe, or just a drifter? Given how much time I have to think about it I can hear the the rabbit singing “I’m late” already. 

Hope you enjoyed this dive into the mind of a madman, I also hope you aren’t the one going through something needing someone to reach out without hope. I may be an asshole, I may be disliked, that’s also my truth, but I feel for you all the same- MH 

Championships or Empty Cups?

 

“This grumpy old race car once told me, It’s just an empty cup.” Lighting McQueen 

NOTE: the time line is messy sorry not sorry that’s life.

I was lucky enough to find a passion for sports at a later age in life. After your youth, it’s kinda hard to pick up new or heck even old things. As a kid I loved hockey, I loved skating. In 2015 I started roller derby. Yes that thing you’ve seen on tv when you were young or that sport from that movie. Quickly I realized how much I missed skating. In 2021 I joined a beer league hockey team. Both are things I would have thought about a short time ago. However here we are. 

I have now been lucky enough to play both team sports for an extended time. I’ve also been lucky enough to play and win championships in both. Championships at different levels in roller derby. 

In this blog I’m going to rank those championships. Not because I’m a god and my opinion matters but because the reasons why I rank them where I do. If you play a team sport or even work on a team you may get something out of this. 

We are going to start with the lowest and go towards the No.1 ranked. In advance sorry if this offends some people, really it’s time to stop feeling I can’t voice my opinion for fear of being excluded because well I already kinda am. 

So coming in at number 5. Yes five.

My first championship in roller derby. As part of a team in a team sport reaching the top should feel good. It didn’t. I felt less than like I had no place on that team. I remember thinking this is so cool but why do I feel empty. I realized it was because I felt like I didn’t really play a part in winning. The best thing that came out of it was deciding that that next season was going to be my last in the sport. 

 I didn’t expect the next season to be voted on to be captain, a responsibility I took very seriously. Bonus: I think I valued the first championship I lost more than the first one I won. In that game something unexpected happened. A skater I didn’t really see eye to eye with was just doing everything to get on my nerves. (Yeah if you’re reading this, I said it) so part way through the game we could both feel it and as teammates and line mates (a line is the group of 5 skaters on the track at one time) we had to work together. In that moment we sat literally eye to eye. She voiced her displeasure and I really tried to hear her. I told her I didn’t like being yelled at like I wasn’t helping because I really was trying. She said “You block for me and I’ll jam for you ok? That’s how this works.” In that second I gained a lifetime worth of respect for her. I’m happy to call her my friend now. She’s on a short list of people I would trust without question on or off track. Even if she doesn’t feel the same way. Irritating Irish you have no idea how much that meant to me. I would go on to select her as my co-Captain because of that level of trust and knowing she’d rise to the leadership role. I can happily say I have no regrets about that. 

So now coming in at number 4, my second National title. Again yes I’ve been to and won two but again it’s a team sport and I’m lucky enough to be part of an extremely good league of skaters. 

  I had never felt better going into this tournament. I came out of retirement shortly before going. I wanted to be faster and smarter. I wanted to leave no doubt I belonged on this team of amazing skaters. I was so happy to be on a line with Disco Biscuit, I’d played against her forever but I new we played similar and that we’d made an awesome 1-2 punch. I remember sleeping the night before on an air mattress in a cold (like Arctic cold) basement of a house I’d never been to in a town I’d never heard of. All of those things are the exact opposite of how I game prep. I want to be warm I want to sleep comfortably. All the same I played well the first part but playing against an extremely veteran team I had an awful hit. 

  As a jammer (the person trying to score the points in derby. Helmet marked with a star) you take hits and that’s just how it goes. Only this hit came from another game. Because it was a one weekend tournament there were two tracks setup so multiple games could happen at the same time. I got swept out (knocked out of bounds) by a blocker. As I looked back at the track to time my re-entry, because I wanted to not get caught behind the same blocker to start the process all over. I didn’t see at the same time another skater from the other game got hit (hard I assume) and slid in my direction. My foot was pinned under her and I pinwheeled on my hip joint. It hurt. I haven’t admitted it till now, but that’s probably the first time I actually knew I was really hurt and thought about not returning to the game. This is an injury I carry with me now. I know I’m not as fast or nimble as I was before that. The rest of that game it felt like the other team targeted that hip. I didn’t finish the tournament. I knew I wanted to skate with my house team in the coming weeks so I didn’t skate in the last game. For that reason it feels like that’s the one I fought for and did everything right but in the end I didn’t finish strong. I always will my body to do everything I need it to. That was the first time it failed me. The team I was apart of went on to win the next game and ultimately the National championship. I felt like I let them down even more I let myself down. 

Ok number 3. My second all-gender house championship. 

I was the captain of that team. With my trusted co-captain I was very excited for that season. Only with all the excitement it started to feel like I was captain in title only. I couldn’t shake that feeling. I needed constant reassurance that my co was still with me. It felt like there was a split in that team and I didn’t know what to do about it. I remember going to the rink that night with the plan to take pictures with everyone and anyone who agreed to. Something I’m notoriously bad about taking pictures with people at events. I felt free, I knew going into that game it would be may last. I was going out on my terms. During the warmups I was laying on the ground stretching looking up at the ceiling. I turned and looked at my team, knowing this was the last time I would take in all that was. On the bench, I love to slap knee pads and give encouragement or make you smile. I think it helps but you’d have to ask someone I’ve played with. Right before the game started I made a post on our team page because no matter what happened in that game I was proud to have been their captain. I was honored to have been given that opportunity. We won. I felt closure. I could walk away knowing I left everything I had on the track. Spoiler I didn’t stay retired, I came back because I loved the sport. 

 Number 2 on the list, my first National title. 

  Having missed making the roster the year before, I had a chip on my shoulder. I felt a need to over prove myself. Making the team meant I had to prove I belonged. I got put on a line with my then captain and co captain for my house team. I knew we’d work well together. The rest of the team was stacked with more of my house teammates. It was actually funny to me. I think that may or may not have been the first time I experienced racism in roller derby. One of the challenging teams has one guy that was just looking to tattoo me with every hit, again when you wear the star that’s life. With this guy I felt it was more. I’ve never said this because it didn’t change the outcome, but skating back to the bench I thought I heard him say “something, something, that black guy.” I am black, and I didn’t hear the first part so I didn’t know how to take it. I did the only thing I could, played harder and tried to be a good teammate. We did go on to win obviously, it felt good to win with people I respected and didn’t know if I belonged on the same track as given missing the roster the previous year. In a best on best national tournament you have to earn your spot. I hoped I did. 

If you’re still reading thank you. As a reward here is the number 1. The picture kinda gives it away but my first Hockey championship. 

  So this one is a crazy story. I’d been asked to join for years, I always said “yeah maybe” or gave some excuse. With covid stopping the world I decided to take the risk. So many people aren’t here anymore, so many who are aren’t able to enjoy the life they once did. I told myself this has to be the time in your life where you take every opportunity and possibility that comes before you aren’t here anymore. I went to a scrimmage getting in the ice. Mind you I’d spent the last few years in skates of a different kind. I was actually amazed at how much it felt normal. Obviously there were things that didn’t translate, I fell. A lot. I thought I looked bad. But the nice lady that I met in the lobby who had  informed me she was a captain of one of the teams stopped me and told me she’d drafted me to her team. To say I could explode is an understatement. I was super excited. To take it a step further the team colors were red and black same as the derby team I currently play for. 

  Flash forward to making it to the championship after fighting for our lives through the playoffs. A matchup against a team that shouldn’t have been playing a team of our skill level. I can’t tell you about my teammates but I wanted to win so bad just because that team was so good. We were down in the game 2-1 and you could feel that disappointment setting in on the bench. If there is one thing I’m known for (at least I hope) it’s having no quit in me. I skated in and I can’t remember how I even got the puck. What I can say is, it is never a bad idea to put the puck on net (shoot the puck at the goal) especially if your down. As I shot it looked as if the goaltender stopped it between his skate and the goal post. Still moving forward towards the net almost looking down inside it now I see the puck across the goal line (a red line that the puck has to cross entirely to count as a goal) and I snapped my head to see if the ref saw it, putting my stick in the air yelling “yeah!” His arm points indicating a goal on the ice. I just hit a bucket list item. To score a game tying goal in a championship game! 

After that moment it was like we were a different team. Our jump was their putting two more goals past their net minder to finish 4-2 winning the game. To get to skate a lap with a championship cup, as a life long hockey fan is about as close to a Stanley cup celly as you can get. When I started hockey I just wanted to have fun. Something derby wasn’t Because of how much responsibility I put on myself. So to have my rookie season end like that because I was just having fun and enjoying playing a sport I loved was amazing. I can’t thank Jackie Hockey (her name in my phone) enough for being so welcoming and always giving me jabs about how I better score. Seeing you always fighting and giving your all makes it easy to do the same. 

So there you have it. Is it an empty cup? I’m not sure some felt like it but others overflowed with memories and lessons. I think most importantly it just about taking the chance to play the game that matters most. You have one life, fill it with something worth remembering. -MH 

It’s Better to Burnout Than Fade Away

 “The king is dead but not forgotten” a lyric from Hey Hey, My my. 

 It’s again been awhile since I’ve written one of these. I wish I could say that’s because I’ve been caught up in a whirlwind of exciting things and adventures. Unfortunately that isn’t the cases. Well not completely… 

  The funny thing about life is no matter how hard or annoying it gets it doesn’t slow down. Every second is now past and that, that. Something I have learned is you are in control of every second. Even when it doesn’t feel like it. The struggle to feel in control of my life is Effing real. 

  I don’t necessarily have the need to control every part of my life but the parts I should have a choice in make it hard sometimes. I always believed “live fast, die young.” So the slow slog through mediocrity sucks. 

  Right now, look around and ask yourself, what’s one thing I could change right this second? Doesn’t matter what it is, in that second you just took control. Now what’s the next thing? Now the next, and the next? That’s all it takes to change your life. 

  We can fight and say “one day” or “tomorrow” this is a change we want to make, but in the end did you? I suck at finishing books (reading them) so I decided to start using audio books. In just a short time I’ve completed more books than I can remember. I hope it will translate to being a better writer, a better friend, a better coach, and teammate. 

  As for the adventures I spoke of before, post CoViD restrictions have things I once enjoyed back in full-ish swing. I picked up hockey again, took an opportunity to make a change in my life. Roller derby also started back up. 

 Ahh, that fickle thing I have a love hate relationship with. I’ve gone back and forth between being done and still finding peace in the chaos of a jam. People say that they could never play ice hockey, but they play roller derby!?!? Like for real it’s like chess to checkers. 

 The difference is the team atmosphere and dynamics. On the derby track, you literally (mostly) rely on your blockers to help. So regardless of how badass you feel someone somewhere helped you weather you say it or not. On the ice some players are know to go coast to coast and go bar down. That’s going from one end of the ice to the other unimpeded and putting the puck past the goaltender, hitting the crossbar of the net and in doing so the puck deflects down into the net. 

  GOAL! But even in that moment of badassory your team is still there, you teammates still have to go out and put in the work after you score. So now what? You have control here as well. Being a cheerleader, a teacher, slapping them on the pads and telling them to forget that bad pass or turnover. Because they will have more seconds coming to make up for it. “Forget it, you got this. Next shift it’s all you buddy” 

  In derby things happen so fast it’s sometimes hard to find the one good thing you did do. I try and coach my team to hold on to those. Find that one thing in that jam you did do, “go out there and do that again. Build off it!” Control what you can control is always my game plan. 

  So why is it in everyday life that gets lost? Some may say society and social roles blah blah blah. I say when you take the track or ice, or jogging path or that place you do that thing you like (not the denny’s bathroom) that is who you really are. That is you in your most primal form. Who you are when you punch the time clock is just who you’re paid to be. 

  Take even a tad of that scrappy attitude you have in your hobby with you. I’m sure you have moments of frustration in your hobby, but if you’re still doing it you took that control and forced it right back into balance. 

  I’m not saying punch your dickhead boss in the face. Unless they truly deserve it, but the mindset of happiness and I’m here because I chose to be here not any other reason. “It’s definitely not bob in reception who tells the awful jokes.” 

 Less so now I hope to think, I’m known for speaking my mind no matter the situation or time or place. (I said hope to think) I’m unapologetic in that way and I actually love that about myself. Does it make life hard? Do I have few friends because of it? Yes. Does being closed off because of my past experience hinder my ability to make friends? Also yes. However I can take control and try and be more open or welcoming. I can make changes to how I approach a given situation. 

  You can also realize areas you may be able to change for the better as you see fit to. Asking “What can I change right now, a month from now, a year from now?” Take it one step at a time or as I tell my skaters “take it one jam at a time” 

  So now we’re here, all of that to say I believe we can take a more active role in our own lives. It doesn’t have to be a big goal it can be as little as “today I want to pick that napkin up from behind that couch, that I dropped that time, and said I’d get it later but never did.” Well guess what? It’s later baby! 

  My change was to make a new friend who I thought could also benefit from a new friend as well. I’m happy to say it has paid off. 

  Now if you’ve made it this far I do want to give you an actual update on my writing. Yes Book III of the HWR trilogy is done and I still need to find an artist (if I can’t I may just release it as is and hurt my souls a bit by not having art. I have started two other projects one a screenplay titled Skeptic, a haunting but is drawing parallels to depression. As well as a book (I know I said I was done with writing books somewhere) titled Tin Hearts, it follows a detective Dalton Glass. As he tries to hunt a serial killer who has been leaving parts of their victims in tin hearts around the city. His troubles in life mimic my own story and some of the events from his past are real events that happened to me. 

Thank you for sticking around, it means more than you know. I appreciate each and every one of you. -MH 

TBD

 

TBD… To be determined, that which hasn’t been decided yet. It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these but here I am. They define insanity as, doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. 

  Asking for help or to be seen is that example for me. I did a little research this past year. I’ve posted pictures and paid attention to the reactions, I’ve made pointed posts noting interactions. The biggest is I looked at my Facebook memories almost every day to get a feel for what I did and didn’t do as far as trying to be seen or asking for help. 

  In a way this was foolish. What do you think it showed me? That I am loved and cherished? Or just like most alone and average? Well I can tell you any time I asked for help it got zero likes. I can also tell you that a picture of me and my wife or kids even though no one knew why I took the picture, those received close to 60 reactions. 

  I thought about posting or not posting about this but I feel it’s important to humble yourself and walk in reality. With that here I am. 

  I will say there are some who hold a high place in my heart and I appreciate them. 

  This time last year I released my second book. I felt like I had so much momentum going into the week of the release. It was the biggest failure I’ve ever faced. I believe I gave away more than I sold (I didn’t give away that many) in the last year. 

  I thought I’d do podcast and get my name out there… also a flop. When polled most people didn’t know I’d even been on a few. So I posted links everywhere. Waited two months and put up the same poll. Wouldn’t you know it? Same result. At this point I looked inward, what can I change what pride can I swallow? 

  So I changed my book profiles from book specific to more me. I think that actually hurt more than it helped. I got really discouraged. A friend (yes a real one) started doing book reviews about the same time. I found myself growing jealous of how quickly it grew. Not in an angry way but in a “it really is me” kinda way. 

  I think the best worst part about that was they even did a review on my book and gave it a 4.5 out of 5. That’s awesome but the level of failure I felt at this point, it felt like they were just being nice. Just like everyone else that has read my work up to that point. 

  What happened next? I dropped all my creative work. The new story I was crafting, things I wanted to build. I had just rebuilt my want to create. I lost a pet and it hit me hard. After all of that I found myself back in a familiar element. 

  With covid in a rear view vaccinated and feeling like maybe it’s a fresh start. I went back to a sport I love. (Mind you some of this is happening at the same time) helping a new group become who they’ve always been. Watching them grow and take on all the challenges that came with picking up a new sport. I again found that spark. I wanted to write I wanted to create. (Now the timelines are all synced up) BOOM the hits kept coming. Again I was humbled. 

  If you’re still with me, this is not meant to be a bleeding heart story. It is I guess but this is the point I want to most get across. I pride myself on being as real and authentic as I can. This makes me an asshole in most circles. I can deal with that. I can deal with failure as a writer. The thing that hurts the most is seeing how many times I asked for help and it went unanswered. What hurts was while seeing how those asks were invisible to most; the same people where posting about “reach out if you need anything” and all that other garbage feel good “I’m a good person right?” Crap. What I hope you can take away from this is: do the work, not everyone is your friend (that includes family unfortunately), don’t claim to be a supportive friend and not hit the damn share button. 

  The last thing I wanted to say, after the BLM movement took strong hold and “buy black” and “support black business, creators, artists” became the hashtags, I became bitter because I wasn’t seeing any of that support. I had to apologize for that. So that brings me here, I was born to create, and I can’t ignore that. I will keep writing but will you ever see it by choice or otherwise? TBD. MH-

A Letter to My Younger Self

 I’ve been reflecting a lot. I’ve changed my social media, I’ve changed my standards for relationships in my life, I’ve even addressed my relationship with myself. One thing I haven’t done is talk to my younger self. 

For those of you who don’t know… I didn’t grow up in or with stability. I didn’t grow up in a place that produces the best outcomes. One choice could have put me on a different path. I was brought up with a high moral standard and for that I am very thankful. 

I saw an exercise where people wrote a letter to their younger selves and I started to think about what I’d say, but instead I’m going to actually write it. I encourage you to do the same before you lose the ability to forgive yourself. I’m writing to my 7/8 year old self because that was the last time I was able to be a kid.

To my younger self, 

First, dude don’t ever lose your wit and sharp as a tac word play. People may give you the looks that you don’t understand but trust me it’s a good thing. In fact lean into it start writing the stories you come up with in all their vivid details. When it comes to people, man I don’t know what to say. Just know not everyone is worth your heart. You love big and deep, and that’s ok but not everyone can and even fewer know how to handle that. You are going to see and feel that sting more times than I care to tell you but if you can learn it’s not your fault now, you can save some of the pain and not knowing, that will keep you awake the rest of your life. 

 When it comes to love, again not everyone is worthy of you. You have the best and cutest intentions but that doesn’t matter. Be you and let them come to you. Yes they may not ever come but again it will save you pain and being used. 

Now for the big stuff, it is not your fault, or responsibility. IT IS NOT yours to carry. You should have never been told it’s up to you to keep them safe. That is not a job for an 8 year old kid. You have a natural protecter mentality but believing that’s what you are on this earth to do is not true. Yes you can, but it doesn’t mean you should especially that young. 

Remember the good times, you will learn the difference between a father and a dad. They are not the same thing. Be a kid while you’re a kid and don’t go too fast buddy. I know you hate when people call you buddy but I’m running out of things to call you. 

You will grow up strong, you will grow up caring but don’t forget to take chances and make mistakes. Yes I know we judge ourselves on how fast we can fix a mistake or stop it from happening all together but it doesn’t matter. Take those chances, join sports when you get older and have more say in what you do. 

One thing that I can tell you that I am and will always be proud of is your ability to look into a situation and see it for what it is and pick out the good and let the rest go. Keep that and let it guide you. I promise it will not let you down. You will give advice and learn so much from that one skill. 

Last few things, friends are friends. People you know are not your friends and that’s ok but keep the fake people out of that big heart. Your shield may be big but you still need room for yourself behind it. Maybe that way not everything will be a fight to you if you take the opportunity to block and not swing. Love you first, everyone else comes second. While yes “you can either be the super hero or the super villain” you can also just fucking be and that’s ok. The 100% or 0% way of life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. 

You will lead, you will fall, you will fail, but you will never give up. 

-MH

No Fear

 

I’ve been asked a few times over the last month if I panic, get nervous, and do I get afraid? All of them were in different situations and different reasons for asking. It made me think hard about myself. 

  To answer it, yes I do have fear, yes I panic, hell yes I get nervous. What I don’t do is let any of those things stop me. Why should I? Why should you, or anyone for that matter? 

I recently read a book about body language and something that stuck with me was the saying “fight or flight” is actually backwards and missing a key part. The real saying is “freeze, flight, fight” as to say your natural response should be to Freeze first, then run if you can, and lastly fight if you must. It blew my mind! 

For me I really felt better hearing that. My mind moves so fast (scary fast) that I can decide what my best course of action could be in the time it takes most people the time to realize the problem in the first place. 

How this relates to fear, my freeze responds is definitely first but it doesn’t last long. Next I go through all the possibilities to run or fight. I make the best choice for the situation. I’ve been very lucky so far in my life lol. 

I don’t believe I’m different from anyone, I just lean into the fear. Could I fail? Will it hurt? Is that blocker going to light me up like a Christmas tree? Yeah all of that is on my mind but what could be or what is on the other side of that fear is way too good to not push past it. 

After a hockey game a teammate asked if I panic? I’d got stuck in the corner with the puck and made a play to a teammate without question or worry. I laughed because I didn’t understand the question. Now I realize they were asking because from their point of view it looked scary and I just reacted. 

At work a district manager asked if I was worried about a random task. Mind you it was a big unexpected obstacle, but I smiled under my mask and told them no, it’s just another job that has to get done. No sense in worrying right? They laughed and said “damn I love that attitude” 

The most recent was at a practice, I was asked if I was nervous before testing skills. This is the one that sat with me the most. Now mind you in 5 years of skating I’ve tested a lot. In the moment seconds before starting my endurance run I was stuck thinking “am I nervous?” Yeah I am, what if’s creep in I don’t think you can ever really stop those thoughts. I think, what if I fall, or cramp? Even worse what if I have an equipment failure? 

Days after that I’m here writing this because it had such a big pull on me. I now realize that that is fearing the unknown, fear of the things outside of your control. In my understanding I believe that is fearing fear itself. So much of what we do in life is uncertain, just getting out of bed could be all you have left of your life… as morbid as that sounds, you get up and go through your day taking so many chances that are just “normal” why not take the chances on things you enjoy regardless of fear? 

Yeah I do crazy things on the track and on the ice but that’s because I enjoy what I do with everything I am and to hold back because of fear would also hold back the fun I’m going to have. I am more afraid of regret than I am of anything else. Dodging a hit, dashing through a gap in a derby wall. They are both exciting and that’s why I love to play. Using my speed on the ice and aggressive play to help bring energy to my team is a role I love to think I’m filling. In all of that I don’t have room for fear I got things to do and memories to make. Go make some of your own. -MH 

Note: The picture above is right before I had my feet kicked out from underneath me. I knew the hit was coming and I was ready for it… it still didn’t go my way but I wouldn’t have changed a second of it because now it’s one of my favorite derby memories. Just look at this next picture 

Twenty seventh Wheel

 

I wonder if he is really going to come? I think to myself sitting on the steps of my row house. My phone appears in my hand almost as if by magic maybe I never put it down and didn’t realize it. Should I text him? Did he think I was joking earlier? I’m not sure why I’m so worried about this. The rush of anxiety starts on the track like a bullet train, before it can reach max speed, DING DING from my phone. “Your driver Mike is almost there.” I feel my heart take control of that bullet train happy washes over me and suddenly I’m more concerned about how my breath smells...

Mike be cool ok. Not you trying to be cool just be actually cool. I have no idea what I’m getting into here. Did she really want me to come along tonight? 

With a gentle glide my car pulls up to her curb. I flip my dash light on, the sound of my heartbeat is louder than the click of the light. Janice walks towards my car...

I can’t hide the smile on my face, grabbing the passenger door handle, with a embarrassing clunk it doesn’t open and my smile slides off my face. Mike points at the back door, but quickly smiles unlocking the door. 

“That wasn’t funny.” My voice trembles sliding into the seat.

“So why are you smiling?” He asks with a look that cuts through my “tough chick” armor...

Was that too much? Reel it in Mike. I can’t believe I’m in this moment right now, I find it hard to to keep looking at her beautiful sitting next to me. Her scent fills my car, like flowers. Not artificial ones but a real flower and it calms me. I’ve very rarely had girlfriends or girls interested in me for more than things I can do for them. But this one seems different, this one feels different. 

We pull up to a small downtown back street that looks so beautiful, string lights dangling between the buildings all the storefronts aglow with neon open signs. Placing the car in park Janice hops out. I stay sitting. 

“Hey? Aren’t you coming?” Her face is framed by the car door. 

“Did you really want me to come with you?” My fear and hope colliding at once. 

Her eyes roll, “Yes!” That sweet intoxicating laugh gets me out of that car. 

We walk into an office that’s new and hip, I’m not sure what they do but I can tell they aren’t a stuffy corporate company. We loft past desks that are all unique and walls that have art from all over the world but she isn’t giving me time to stop and admire anything. I guess because she sees them everyday. The unmistakable sound of a party grows and we enter a big warehouse with probably twenty five people broken into little groups seems full of life. My fear and senses are now on full alert and I sink inside myself. 

“Would you like something to drink?” She says walking to a table but I’m kinda frozen still. 

Hours go by and she introduces me to person after person but not because she is just itching to show me off but rather to prove she’s here and with someone on top of it. After she makes her rounds to say goodbye we head back outside I notice a cool metal sculpture on a desk glinting in the faint closed office light. 

“That’s my favorite.” She calls back from a few steps ahead, “I got it for helping close a deal to help send clothing to Singapore for women in need.” She turns to walk even faster now as if she can’t be in here any longer. 

Back at my car I wait for her phone to alert. When it does  and she checks it I have my plan ready and jump wishing the fall won’t kill me, “So sorry but you have to pay for the ride otherwise you get put on a no ride list.”

“You’re kidding me right?” She looks angry.

“No really it has to be done on your end otherwise it looks like you skipped out.” She hits the icon on her phone so hard I can hear it. 

Step two in my plan is a go, “Hey so this crazy girl I gave a ride to that seemed like she wasn’t going to pay just did... you want to get some food?” I hope this all sounds as smooth as I wanted it to. 

She plays it cool without a expression, “Don’t you mean I’m buying?” I think she jumps in the car to keep me from seeing her smile. 

Mission success.