A Letter to My Younger Self

 I’ve been reflecting a lot. I’ve changed my social media, I’ve changed my standards for relationships in my life, I’ve even addressed my relationship with myself. One thing I haven’t done is talk to my younger self. 

For those of you who don’t know… I didn’t grow up in or with stability. I didn’t grow up in a place that produces the best outcomes. One choice could have put me on a different path. I was brought up with a high moral standard and for that I am very thankful. 

I saw an exercise where people wrote a letter to their younger selves and I started to think about what I’d say, but instead I’m going to actually write it. I encourage you to do the same before you lose the ability to forgive yourself. I’m writing to my 7/8 year old self because that was the last time I was able to be a kid.

To my younger self, 

First, dude don’t ever lose your wit and sharp as a tac word play. People may give you the looks that you don’t understand but trust me it’s a good thing. In fact lean into it start writing the stories you come up with in all their vivid details. When it comes to people, man I don’t know what to say. Just know not everyone is worth your heart. You love big and deep, and that’s ok but not everyone can and even fewer know how to handle that. You are going to see and feel that sting more times than I care to tell you but if you can learn it’s not your fault now, you can save some of the pain and not knowing, that will keep you awake the rest of your life. 

 When it comes to love, again not everyone is worthy of you. You have the best and cutest intentions but that doesn’t matter. Be you and let them come to you. Yes they may not ever come but again it will save you pain and being used. 

Now for the big stuff, it is not your fault, or responsibility. IT IS NOT yours to carry. You should have never been told it’s up to you to keep them safe. That is not a job for an 8 year old kid. You have a natural protecter mentality but believing that’s what you are on this earth to do is not true. Yes you can, but it doesn’t mean you should especially that young. 

Remember the good times, you will learn the difference between a father and a dad. They are not the same thing. Be a kid while you’re a kid and don’t go too fast buddy. I know you hate when people call you buddy but I’m running out of things to call you. 

You will grow up strong, you will grow up caring but don’t forget to take chances and make mistakes. Yes I know we judge ourselves on how fast we can fix a mistake or stop it from happening all together but it doesn’t matter. Take those chances, join sports when you get older and have more say in what you do. 

One thing that I can tell you that I am and will always be proud of is your ability to look into a situation and see it for what it is and pick out the good and let the rest go. Keep that and let it guide you. I promise it will not let you down. You will give advice and learn so much from that one skill. 

Last few things, friends are friends. People you know are not your friends and that’s ok but keep the fake people out of that big heart. Your shield may be big but you still need room for yourself behind it. Maybe that way not everything will be a fight to you if you take the opportunity to block and not swing. Love you first, everyone else comes second. While yes “you can either be the super hero or the super villain” you can also just fucking be and that’s ok. The 100% or 0% way of life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. 

You will lead, you will fall, you will fail, but you will never give up. 

-MH

No Fear

 

I’ve been asked a few times over the last month if I panic, get nervous, and do I get afraid? All of them were in different situations and different reasons for asking. It made me think hard about myself. 

  To answer it, yes I do have fear, yes I panic, hell yes I get nervous. What I don’t do is let any of those things stop me. Why should I? Why should you, or anyone for that matter? 

I recently read a book about body language and something that stuck with me was the saying “fight or flight” is actually backwards and missing a key part. The real saying is “freeze, flight, fight” as to say your natural response should be to Freeze first, then run if you can, and lastly fight if you must. It blew my mind! 

For me I really felt better hearing that. My mind moves so fast (scary fast) that I can decide what my best course of action could be in the time it takes most people the time to realize the problem in the first place. 

How this relates to fear, my freeze responds is definitely first but it doesn’t last long. Next I go through all the possibilities to run or fight. I make the best choice for the situation. I’ve been very lucky so far in my life lol. 

I don’t believe I’m different from anyone, I just lean into the fear. Could I fail? Will it hurt? Is that blocker going to light me up like a Christmas tree? Yeah all of that is on my mind but what could be or what is on the other side of that fear is way too good to not push past it. 

After a hockey game a teammate asked if I panic? I’d got stuck in the corner with the puck and made a play to a teammate without question or worry. I laughed because I didn’t understand the question. Now I realize they were asking because from their point of view it looked scary and I just reacted. 

At work a district manager asked if I was worried about a random task. Mind you it was a big unexpected obstacle, but I smiled under my mask and told them no, it’s just another job that has to get done. No sense in worrying right? They laughed and said “damn I love that attitude” 

The most recent was at a practice, I was asked if I was nervous before testing skills. This is the one that sat with me the most. Now mind you in 5 years of skating I’ve tested a lot. In the moment seconds before starting my endurance run I was stuck thinking “am I nervous?” Yeah I am, what if’s creep in I don’t think you can ever really stop those thoughts. I think, what if I fall, or cramp? Even worse what if I have an equipment failure? 

Days after that I’m here writing this because it had such a big pull on me. I now realize that that is fearing the unknown, fear of the things outside of your control. In my understanding I believe that is fearing fear itself. So much of what we do in life is uncertain, just getting out of bed could be all you have left of your life… as morbid as that sounds, you get up and go through your day taking so many chances that are just “normal” why not take the chances on things you enjoy regardless of fear? 

Yeah I do crazy things on the track and on the ice but that’s because I enjoy what I do with everything I am and to hold back because of fear would also hold back the fun I’m going to have. I am more afraid of regret than I am of anything else. Dodging a hit, dashing through a gap in a derby wall. They are both exciting and that’s why I love to play. Using my speed on the ice and aggressive play to help bring energy to my team is a role I love to think I’m filling. In all of that I don’t have room for fear I got things to do and memories to make. Go make some of your own. -MH 

Note: The picture above is right before I had my feet kicked out from underneath me. I knew the hit was coming and I was ready for it… it still didn’t go my way but I wouldn’t have changed a second of it because now it’s one of my favorite derby memories. Just look at this next picture