So after just over a month of limited social media I realize a few things about myself. And when I say realize I’m really saying I’ve accepted them more.
I believe in dreams, I believe in hope. However I also am rooted in reality. I don’t know if that makes me an optimist or a realist?
As far as hope goes, you really couldn’t make it through life with out some kind of hope, hope for better, for kids, money, or maybe just hope to one day be able to just simply hope. Now dreams on the other hand.. those are subject to a lot of factors. I realize something I never thought could be possible. There are people out there that don’t really have dreams. That was something that in all my observations of people that I never once thought of.
I believe most of my character traits of a INFJ personality type. From the wanting to know the Why. You can tell me you like that cool car. What I hear is the color grabs your attention, the body lines are striking and you could see yourself in it. So as to say it’s all about the subtext and trying to figure out why.
Back to people not having dreams. I recently understood that to some it is enough to just be. Nothing more nothing less. That thought was alien to me, I always as far as I can remember have had a dream of what or who I wanted to be. So actually taking in the fact that just living the day to day is all that some people want split my head open like a coconut. It got me thinking about my dreams and if it was actually ok to give up on them?
So I took a break from social media to think about my affect in this world and if my dreams really matter? The first thing I felt was if it was that easy for me to disappear how would trying to be a writer really go anywhere? Then I started to watch what my absence changed. I slowly lost all the vanity of wondering if people noticed or cared that I was MIA.
The next thing that crushed my world was when the big picture started to fall into place. I was laying in bed my head under the pillow to block out the sounds and the light in hopes sleep would actually come. I thought about how if anyone actually wanted to read my work or if they do it because I ask. That lead to the self doubt door and that always leads to “what would happen if I wasn’t here anymore?” Then BOOM! Like a crack of thunder I thought of my two little girls and how I want to know who they grow to be. Would they be friends or kinda distant like me and my sisters. I thought of my wife and who she’d be after. Then I stopped and thought man you know what I just want to know and being here no matter how shitty it feels sometimes or how alone I feel, I just have the want to know what happens and that want is way bigger.
Flash forward a few weeks. A new shiny though came to me. Why am I the way I am? Yeah that was a can of worms. I know I’m abrasive, arrogant, smart mouthed, and combative. I can surly address this right? Or is it a link back to childhood?
I see enemies everywhere because I was taught to see the world like combat. Every situation is a fight, every moment is combat. It wasn’t all bad because it showed me that you are never out of the fight especially if your mind still works. And hell if your mind and body still work you’re doing pretty damn well.
It’s painful to realize that you were lead to believe that you had to be this way for any reason... but when you’re told it’s because of the color of your skin it becomes personal on a deep level. One that just like your skin will be with you forever.
So here I am, back to writing. Back to put part of me on a page. Back to say that as much as I want to be a person who doesn’t have dreams and can just live the day to day and that’s enough. That ain’t me. As much as I’d like to bury my head in the sand and pretend I’m anyone else but me. I can’t. I may be that list of things but I am also a lot of other things to different people.
It is exhausting to go spend 8 hours just going through the motions. That’s the dream I have to hold on to, that one day I’ll be doing exactly what I want, that’s the hope I don’t think I ever really lost. So if you’re like me and have a dream lean into it, don’t let the world around you suck out your spirit. If you aren’t like me and are fine just being, support your friends that are trying to chase a dream! It means so much that you have a support system, but it sucks when you feel like you don’t. A like, share, or a “good job” can be the difference between that person giving up that day or pushing to the next.
I will leave you dreamers with something I heard the other day, “imagine how many people gave up right before things where going to click. Gave up because it was so hard for so long and that was it. They were done and they were so close to making it. Imagine that.”
-MH
