What’s in a Brain

 

Trigger warning ⚠️ 

So what’s in a brain, gooey organic you? Or maybe a vast universe or different consciousness. Some say both. 

One thing that I find very interesting that can reside in the brain is hurt. Not a TBI or anything physical, but pain that is more or less likely attached to your soul. 

Yeah I know some of you may not believe you have a soul or that’s to religion for you. But when I say soul I talking about what makes you... you. Yes both that pain I mentioned and the pleasure on the flip side of that coin find ways to latch on to it. 

The thing I’m stuck on right now and the thing that always comes seeping back into my mind especially this time of year is the hurt and the pain someone else can be going through that we otherwise would have no clue is going on. 

As some of you may know I have a Battarang with the letters TH tattooed on my arm. In my young adult life a friend made the ultimate choice. One I also have thought about. 

He was very much like me, ultra creative, super friendly and supportive. Could make you laugh just as fast as make you want to punch him. Along with so much more. 

I reference this because in a blink things can change that scale of,  be here/leave here could tip and that’s it..

Bringing me back to the point of what I’m trying to say, we are all here dealing with life and no real instruction manual. With very real proof that what works with some definitely does not work with others. I stop and think about how insanely wild it is that some people go through all their lives without once thinking about self harm. While others live in an existence of that’s the only thing they think about. 

This isn’t a PSA or a love your friends announcement. Rather a reminder that just because for you life sucks but your brain doesn’t feed you harmful thoughts, someone else’s is. That just because you your brain doesn’t say “hey you could not be here and they’d move on over time.” Don’t think that’s the way it is for everyone. 

Now I know what you’re thinking by now “oh Matt don’t feel that way. You’re loved and people would miss you.” While I thank you for that, this post isn’t about me. While I have good days and bad ones, this is about the ones sitting next to you in silence. This is about the people who read your comments on someone who is open about this and thinking to themselves “well no one would care about me.”

Yeah I wonder how many people think about that? I know I do. For every post about mental health paths how many are sitting in the crowd thinking “must be nice” with a brain saying shut up stupid no one likes you? 

This blog is about them. This blog is for them. One thing I want to stress is I’m very open about my battles not because I’m not afraid (while this is partially true) it’s because I see the people who are battling in silence. It can be as little as a look or a slip of tongue or as big as a private message. But I fucking see you and believe I’m right here and would not ever turn you away. 

It’s sometimes hard to read a post about how if any of my friends are struggling I’m here for you. They always seem empty. Not because you don’t actually feel that way but because I know I’m never going to reach out to you. I have the hand full of people that I’d maybe say something to because I’m not going to make them worry or get sad or anything. If I feel that way I can only imagine how many others do as well. 

Last point is, one battle is not the same as any other. My view is not the same as anyone else. I do not speak for everyone and would never want to. I’m open because every voice is important because every individual is important. The last year and especially the last month have been extremely difficult for some so today... Valentine’s Day and all the days going forward remember that love is not a four letter word. Loving yourself is ok. Most importantly realize that everyone is different so that thing you think is loving and helpful may not be. Instead of saying reach out to me for help, maybe you should reach out to them and just have a random conversation. 

To people that know me know I will pop into your DMs with random things or just to talk because you were on my mind or I was worried. Maybe even hit you with a BOOBS! Just to make you smile because I love you all. -MH

Shades of Gray

 

Laying here, already in bed because the burn of 4am is way to close to stay up with you like we used to. Having already turned off the light because I wasn’t sure if you’d come in or wind down alone.. again. 

 To my surprise you pop in the room as if you knew I missed you. Maybe a burp, or a random personal fact about you interrupts the news guy or whatever movie I turned on to drown out the noise in my head. Most married people have become accustom to bodily functions, some even grow to find them cute. Like in this moment of pure you. 

I roll thinking, you must be so awake. So not ready for bed. Guilt keeps my lips tight. Now eyes glued to you as your back is lit by the blue glow of the tv. You pop  your back after your shirt comes off and hits the dirt, clean clothes pile that we say will get put away. 

I want to be so mad that that pile is still there. I look at it for a second thinking just that. But before I know it they betray me and land back on you. You twist awkwardly as you reach to unclasp your bra. Again hitting that pile. 

Only this time I don’t follow it. I watch the light dance up the wings. No sounds hits my ears from this point forward. The news man could be saying the world is on fire and troops are going door to door, and I wouldn’t care. 

I think god does she know how attractive she is? Have I told her today that I still think this after all these years? Two kids, and 32 years of life look so good on you. Skin fair and aglow in a sky blue tv haze. I think I said  “hey beautiful in a text this morning.” Or was that yesterday? The 3:25am mornings make it hard to keep track of normal people days. Stupid 3am. Why did I do this to myself, I’m a ghost haunting this house between the hours of 1pm-8pm. 

You aren’t facing me, you are maybe looking at your plants, maybe picturing your ideal day and how it didn’t involve a 60 year old’s bed time. 

All that in the millisecond it took you to slide your pants off. Wait what was I just thinking? I don’t remember but seeing your butt is like the first time every time. Back when we were 17 about to be 18 and thinking I’d never be her type but dang that booty. Back when I had a million tricks none of which you’d seen yet. 

How is she not bored of me yet. I’m one step above lame. My mood is often hard to read... “I don’t mean to Mr. Frodo. A picture of Samwise sad and sulking enters my mind. That must have been so hard for him to go through all of that and constantly have to prove to Frodo he had his back.. Frodo was kind of a dick. 

Wait what did you say? I look up lifting my head from this awful pillow. You repeat the idea of what you said. Out of frustration and saying the same thing over all this time, I respond “no I get that but what did you say”

You now facing me repeat words that I believe mean something but at this moment I can’t remember my name. I think I respond but at this point I’m not even sure who is at the controls in my head. 

With one more back cracking twist you say how you hope something happens, the dog sleeps, the girls clean up, the world gives us a break. 

You climb into bed with a plop and with so much motion it’s like a tornado of blanks. Cold air fills the warm bubble I made. “What?” You look into my eyes. Can you even see them between the dark and the tv glare? I’m not sure how you think I have nice eyes, yours are literally so beautiful. When’s the last time I’ve said that to her? 

The weird look between husband and wife when one says “what?” And the other doesn’t answer. Why is it that we think the worst in that moment? Did you think I’d say I had cancer? Or maybe drop some kinda bomb on you laying here in bed. Dude can you imagine how fucked that would be? Climbs in bed, “oh by the way I’ve been unfaithful. Good night.” 

Oh yeah you asked me a question and my mind ran away again. Nothing, I respond with a smile that unsettles you more. Your smile isn’t exactly one of happy but damn even in this dark room and the shadows running around that smile is perfect. In this moment everything I’m sad or mad at you for is gone I know I will wake to those feelings but here and now do they even matter?  

Ahhhhh! Your freezing toes hit my warm legs and snap me painfully back to this bed and the physical body I make move around. You laugh and say “told you” you could have but the last however long I still haven’t really heard anything because my mind is moving faster than I can ever explain to anyone. 

Your icicle feet slide away. I don’t want that so I use this long body I make move around trap your ankles and pull them back to my side and let them warm on my legs. 

The tv sound fills the room all of the furniture in our room is black or white, including us as we become part of the bed. As everything blinds together gray is life and sleep and tomorrow and all the time till we do this the next night. 

3:25 am I leave you and the warm, do you know I’m getting out of bed? Do you miss my weight next to you? I can’t turn back to look at you because the room is too dark and that dumb blue light blinds me. It’s good because I may not open the door. Stupid 3:25 am... I spin the dimmer switch in the kitchen my day without you is starting and I don’t know when it will end. Please wait till haunting hours are over for that next split of time and color and anger and sad, and worry, and fear, and armor I put on to keep everything else safe. Stupid 3:25 am