The Parentified Son

 

It’s been awhile once again. However I’ve still been putting thoughts out there just on my podcast https://open.spotify.com/show/4QBukX5DCoPEsGeVB2ZtzO?si=_bICaZayRS22sU7B_DtDWA

Homes Room. This isn’t a big plug for that, but I did want to bring up its existence.

 As for this blog I wanted to talk about a post I saw from the.holistic.psychologist on instagram. It was about “the parentified son” and boy is that me. Only like in most cases with posts like this, some slides match up with me and some don’t. Back to why I’m writing let’s talk about the difference, because maybe someone else has walked my path, maybe not and this goes into the “interesting…” bin.

“The Parentified son became the ‘little man’ of the house” Check… I can remember all the times this was told to me. I am the youngest, my dad was in and out. I can’t say he was emotionally absent, but I can say he did use me and my oldest sister as emotional dumping grounds. As for my mom, she was wading through a messy relationship and three kids and going to school, so she needed emotional support and yeah maybe leaned on me more than she should have. As a child I was definitely not ready. 

This is where the lines in this post got blurry for me. Yes my soul and emotional needs may have been unacknowledged, I don’t think I stopped emotionally maturing. In fact I think I got on the fast track. I may not have known the why of my mom’s pain, or the facts behind the whispers of adults. I still understood that she was in pain, that my father was conflicted, that those things made my oldest sister rebellious, my middle sister isolate to not have to see any of it. So I made myself useful by being with my mom as much as I could, by being the good son to my father. I think I became a chameleon. Emulating the emotions I saw other adults giving to my parents, especially the ones that seem to ease their hurt. 

 This slide hit like a ton of bricks, only I don’t feel shame for being unworthy. I do often feel the lost in this slide, but mostly what I feel towards everyone who has let me down, failed to show up when I need them, or lean on me for their support, is an overwhelming feeling of resentment that even with all that I’ve done for you I’m not important enough. Yes that’s the unworthy but it isn’t shame to me. I know my value and kind of always have. That brings us to the lost, “do I stay or do I go?” Or “are these my wants, or am I taking on theirs?” The back swing of being a chameleon is you lose who you are being so many different things for everyone else.

 Another gray blurry area. I did watch my life giver being mistreated. I probably could never express how sad I was and still am that that was the life she fought through and somehow she managed to be a North Star of right and wrong. Yes to all those things I watched my mom go through, but I never felt rage towards her. I only ever felt like I had to do right by her for all she’d done for us. As for my father, I did hold rage for him, it made it hard to form strong bonds with males, and most definitely gave me a problem with authority unless it was female authority figures. To this day, I’m still that way only all but maybe a handful of male authority figures have been shit bags so it proves itself as plausible. I do at times feel like I failed but I also give myself grace in I did everything I could and that’s all I can do. Remember those lessons for next time. At the time I did feel like it was in part my fault and I didn’t know it was just living with the choices they made. I do understand now but that took a lot of work and unpacking myself.

I don’t feel this one at all, sometimes as a kid I felt that my dad respected me more than himself at times. That’s a weird feeling as a child, it’s a look in a person’s eyes that if you know you know. My dad told me often when we’d spend time together “you can either be a superhero or a super villain. It’s up to you?” It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized that was always phrased as a question. Do I see that that choice is mine? So I don’t interpret anything from a shame based place, it’s from a “I walk with heroes” place.

I don’t feel anything in this slide, If my partner asks for help, after seeing my mom do it alone most of my life, I feel proud to be in a spot to be able to help and that my partner will not have to suffer through what my mom did. I think all of us, every human being feels under appreciated a times, but this is where you need to have two conversations. The first with yourself, “is this real, or am I projecting my past onto my partner.” And the second with your partner, let them know as early as possible those feelings because dollars to doughnuts they don’t realize you felt that way and wouldn’t want to add to it. *some people are just shitty and you should not keep them in your life if they can’t honor your feelings.

I will say at times I’m very aloof, and people probably do walk on eggshells, but that’s more to the fact that things that should make me mad seemingly don’t so the expectation of reaction throws  people off. Obviously that’s a guess because I’m only in my head. As for the rest 0% me. People tend to complement me on being able to go with the flow and not get upset, as well as my empathetic nature and willingness to put myself in other’s shoes. Good vibes only, or that chameleon thing again…

I do want to be close to my partner, I want to be close to my friends, but for me this slide has it backwards. Because I do understand the list laid out superficial relationships (like the ones created buy an absent parent) are a waste of time. I want deep and meaningful relationships often it’s the other person who can’t handle that list and feels the shame or failure feelings not me. Now I believe in ego death so go look that up. I believe your ego serves the purpose of comparison. Who you think you are, against who you ought to be. It’s a choice.

A few years ago (preCOVID) my father and I were standing in the driveway of my mom’s house. We got in an argument about something. It was in his most rageful moment, throwing a half full can of beer at the ground like a gorilla posturing to show dominance. I was just sad that he still thought I’d react like a child to that. I saw someone whose words didn’t change  someone’s opinion and anger spilled over. A few years after that in the most profound healing chapter of my life so far (during COVID) he said something in a FB message that set me off, I asked myself what was it that burned me up so bad…. Came to realize, when his words didn’t convince, his power didn’t overrule, his strength didn’t frighten, he turned to the softness that a wounded man carried. It felt like he was a different person than what I’d ever seen. In that moment I was broken free of the fear, shame, and obligation I’d lived under my entire life. For you Eagle eye readers, you may have noticed the use of father and dad, but only mom. I’ve for whatever reason been able to separate who my dad (loving, mentor, caregiver) is from who my (father) was… as I responded to his message explaining what it was I saw, and why it was we as a family didn’t fall inline like always. He became one person, one person who made choices, mistakes, and did the best he could while dealing with a life of pain and hurt and grief… he became human. 

If you made it this far thank you, mostly this is back story for why I am who I am. Maybe a bit healing as well. In the end I want to be as much like my dad as I can be, that person along with my mom did the best they could to raise a strong, wise, and just son. I owe it to their efforts to get as close to that as I can. -MH

Homes Room one year later With Sea Mo

You’re Mr. Lonely

 It’s been a really long time since I’ve done one of these… sort of. Since the last one I’ve done a lot, one of those is launching a podcast (Homes Room) we talk about all kinds of topics. You can check it out, but that’s not why I’m here. 

 I’m here because I tried to explain what my overwhelming feelings of loneliness feel like to someone who doesn’t experience it. 

 Similarly to the feeling of depression (I call the weight because that’s kind of what it feels like) and anxiety (like those pictures where everything is blurry but the subject, like everything is moving so fast you but you are moving at a snail’s pace) I learned that I’m a very visual and analogy driven person. Every person who deals with any of these probably has their own way to explain it.. if they can. 

 When it comes to mental health it’s still widely believed that raising children strong will root it out. Or going to church every Sunday and praying before bed with fix it. It’s also believed that turmeric events can jumpstart any one of these states of being. Again not why I’m here..

 Putting emotion to words is always something I want to be better at. I can’t say enough “get comfortable being uncomfortable.” Meaning don’t recoil from the hard things, try and learn from them, use them at a compass pointing away from all the sh** you don’t want. I’ve always loved the thought of Jack Sparrow’s compass, pointing out what he wants. That would be beautiful in the hard times. 

  The emotion I feel and have a hard time not being crushed by or surrendering to is loneliness. Friends will always say they are here for you. I think one of the most lonely times I can remember is when I was surrounded by a room full of those people. The thought of, ‘I could not be in this room and not a person would realize’ and that’s followed by 98% of them walking past. 

 Now I know what some of you may be thinking, but Matt you’re always so angry looking or seem like you don’t want anything to do with any person. Well that’s true.. but in those moments that’s an armor to fight against the feeling of being alone. Some people see it and ironically I assume you know the same armor from the inside. 

 So what does kill you from the inside out loneliness feel like? When I made a point to try and put it into words I thought about the man under a mountain, a single drip of water striking his forehead over and over. Until he can’t take it any longer and begs for release but knowing he isn’t going anywhere… 

 Bleak right? Well I see it a little differently but still with a water analogy in there. 

  I think in the deepest and most painful lonely moments I feel like I’m falling backwards, not knowing what will happen when I hit. Only to find as I become overwhelmed with sensations and sadness I feel like hitting water only in slow motion. The fall is slowing and the feeling are all around me (here where the water comes in) and my back is smacking into water and as it envelops me time moves even slower now. Knowing there isn’t a thing anyone e can do to stop it. 

 As that water reaches its highest point just before it would splash down on top of me time is now stopped. Stuck between the the end and the world I just left. Seeing the world clearly just not being apart of it anymore. Life keeps moving But I’m trapped in the me shaped universe of clear liquid preventing me from movement, from speaking, having to protect that last gulp of air because at some point this will pass. Right? 

 No one is jumping in that water next to me. The party is still going on topside I’m just no longer invited. The fear of will I drown or will I just be frozen in the purgatory? The feeling is so strong and so vivid it’s almost impossible to keep from falling into it when even the slightest thought pops into my head. 

 SPLASH! I hit the water and sink just long enough to get my head around all of this. I kick my feet and pull myself out of the water and try and dry off the best I can. Until the next time. 

 Loneliness doesn’t mean that the person is sitting in the dark, clicking a pen. Loneliness is the feeling that there is always something more important than you and people aren’t going to show you they care enough to connect. Next time you see that person who looks like they’d rip your face off if you say hi, think about how maybe that’s exactly what they do need. If my pain and willingness to put it out there does one thing I hope that is allow people to feel seen and maybe like they aren’t alone. -MH 

Ricochet

 

So this is a weird one, but in an attempt to be open and hold the mirror to myself in the rawest and uncomfortably painful way. 

  I work at 4am, yada yada yada. The point being for shift, and shift style workers, there is not necessarily direct drawbacks to that type of schedule, rather it’s the ricochets from it. A zombie in your house by the time everyone else shows up after their days. Or maybe getting on a sleeping schedule that puts you alone more often than you’d like, or meal times that prevent you from lunch dates with friends or lovers. Or in my case a large amount of time to think…

  As said in other posts I’ve been to dark places more often than I’d like, that’s my truth. I find myself in those places more often given all the time to let my mind go while at work unless I listen to something to keep my mind on track not free to travel as it pleases. 

This one is short, no big point to make just a story to tell because if I don’t my mind will chase this rabbit until I come face to face with the hatter. 

  At about 2:15am I believe my wife got up to go to the bathroom or something. Upon her return I felt her lay back down. I looked to see what time it was, I had almost an hour before my alarm goes off. Going back to sleep I thought I heard her talking (sorry babe but you do sometimes talk in your sleep. Like full ass conversations) so I rolled to look and she was sound asleep at this point it was 2:40am. I closed my eyes and head a voice as clear as the time on the clock and my sleep tracker confirms my waking times. “Hey Matt” it hissed, this was not my wife’s voice. Not a slight sleepy dream waking state. My hand on my watch from just having checked the time, leans me less towards this. Rolling over to my side facing away. The voice didn’t come from her side of the bed. It sounded like it came from directly above me. For everyone that at this point saying “it was a dream you twit” I’ve had dreams of events and things similar to this. To wake to news of someone’s death, the loss of a love, or even someone who was just in a bad way emotionally. There’s a list of people that can confirm I’ve reached out to them out of the blue and in that moment they’d been dealing with bad news or worse… 

  It’s not fear that has me writing, it’s an open letter to myself and anyone else that has had this experience or something similar. Here it sits 5:57 am and I think was that just the beginning or a one time thing? 

I love deeply and feel even deeper. I don’t fear this instead I lean towards it. It informs me, it guides me, for better or worse. I find myself on the edge of big decisions in every area of my life. Is this an signal flare sent up? Am I putting off energy in a way that pulls in turmoil? Is that the voice of a friend, foe, or just a drifter? Given how much time I have to think about it I can hear the the rabbit singing “I’m late” already. 

Hope you enjoyed this dive into the mind of a madman, I also hope you aren’t the one going through something needing someone to reach out without hope. I may be an asshole, I may be disliked, that’s also my truth, but I feel for you all the same- MH 

Championships or Empty Cups?

 

“This grumpy old race car once told me, It’s just an empty cup.” Lighting McQueen 

NOTE: the time line is messy sorry not sorry that’s life.

I was lucky enough to find a passion for sports at a later age in life. After your youth, it’s kinda hard to pick up new or heck even old things. As a kid I loved hockey, I loved skating. In 2015 I started roller derby. Yes that thing you’ve seen on tv when you were young or that sport from that movie. Quickly I realized how much I missed skating. In 2021 I joined a beer league hockey team. Both are things I would have thought about a short time ago. However here we are. 

I have now been lucky enough to play both team sports for an extended time. I’ve also been lucky enough to play and win championships in both. Championships at different levels in roller derby. 

In this blog I’m going to rank those championships. Not because I’m a god and my opinion matters but because the reasons why I rank them where I do. If you play a team sport or even work on a team you may get something out of this. 

We are going to start with the lowest and go towards the No.1 ranked. In advance sorry if this offends some people, really it’s time to stop feeling I can’t voice my opinion for fear of being excluded because well I already kinda am. 

So coming in at number 5. Yes five.

My first championship in roller derby. As part of a team in a team sport reaching the top should feel good. It didn’t. I felt less than like I had no place on that team. I remember thinking this is so cool but why do I feel empty. I realized it was because I felt like I didn’t really play a part in winning. The best thing that came out of it was deciding that that next season was going to be my last in the sport. 

 I didn’t expect the next season to be voted on to be captain, a responsibility I took very seriously. Bonus: I think I valued the first championship I lost more than the first one I won. In that game something unexpected happened. A skater I didn’t really see eye to eye with was just doing everything to get on my nerves. (Yeah if you’re reading this, I said it) so part way through the game we could both feel it and as teammates and line mates (a line is the group of 5 skaters on the track at one time) we had to work together. In that moment we sat literally eye to eye. She voiced her displeasure and I really tried to hear her. I told her I didn’t like being yelled at like I wasn’t helping because I really was trying. She said “You block for me and I’ll jam for you ok? That’s how this works.” In that second I gained a lifetime worth of respect for her. I’m happy to call her my friend now. She’s on a short list of people I would trust without question on or off track. Even if she doesn’t feel the same way. Irritating Irish you have no idea how much that meant to me. I would go on to select her as my co-Captain because of that level of trust and knowing she’d rise to the leadership role. I can happily say I have no regrets about that. 

So now coming in at number 4, my second National title. Again yes I’ve been to and won two but again it’s a team sport and I’m lucky enough to be part of an extremely good league of skaters. 

  I had never felt better going into this tournament. I came out of retirement shortly before going. I wanted to be faster and smarter. I wanted to leave no doubt I belonged on this team of amazing skaters. I was so happy to be on a line with Disco Biscuit, I’d played against her forever but I new we played similar and that we’d made an awesome 1-2 punch. I remember sleeping the night before on an air mattress in a cold (like Arctic cold) basement of a house I’d never been to in a town I’d never heard of. All of those things are the exact opposite of how I game prep. I want to be warm I want to sleep comfortably. All the same I played well the first part but playing against an extremely veteran team I had an awful hit. 

  As a jammer (the person trying to score the points in derby. Helmet marked with a star) you take hits and that’s just how it goes. Only this hit came from another game. Because it was a one weekend tournament there were two tracks setup so multiple games could happen at the same time. I got swept out (knocked out of bounds) by a blocker. As I looked back at the track to time my re-entry, because I wanted to not get caught behind the same blocker to start the process all over. I didn’t see at the same time another skater from the other game got hit (hard I assume) and slid in my direction. My foot was pinned under her and I pinwheeled on my hip joint. It hurt. I haven’t admitted it till now, but that’s probably the first time I actually knew I was really hurt and thought about not returning to the game. This is an injury I carry with me now. I know I’m not as fast or nimble as I was before that. The rest of that game it felt like the other team targeted that hip. I didn’t finish the tournament. I knew I wanted to skate with my house team in the coming weeks so I didn’t skate in the last game. For that reason it feels like that’s the one I fought for and did everything right but in the end I didn’t finish strong. I always will my body to do everything I need it to. That was the first time it failed me. The team I was apart of went on to win the next game and ultimately the National championship. I felt like I let them down even more I let myself down. 

Ok number 3. My second all-gender house championship. 

I was the captain of that team. With my trusted co-captain I was very excited for that season. Only with all the excitement it started to feel like I was captain in title only. I couldn’t shake that feeling. I needed constant reassurance that my co was still with me. It felt like there was a split in that team and I didn’t know what to do about it. I remember going to the rink that night with the plan to take pictures with everyone and anyone who agreed to. Something I’m notoriously bad about taking pictures with people at events. I felt free, I knew going into that game it would be may last. I was going out on my terms. During the warmups I was laying on the ground stretching looking up at the ceiling. I turned and looked at my team, knowing this was the last time I would take in all that was. On the bench, I love to slap knee pads and give encouragement or make you smile. I think it helps but you’d have to ask someone I’ve played with. Right before the game started I made a post on our team page because no matter what happened in that game I was proud to have been their captain. I was honored to have been given that opportunity. We won. I felt closure. I could walk away knowing I left everything I had on the track. Spoiler I didn’t stay retired, I came back because I loved the sport. 

 Number 2 on the list, my first National title. 

  Having missed making the roster the year before, I had a chip on my shoulder. I felt a need to over prove myself. Making the team meant I had to prove I belonged. I got put on a line with my then captain and co captain for my house team. I knew we’d work well together. The rest of the team was stacked with more of my house teammates. It was actually funny to me. I think that may or may not have been the first time I experienced racism in roller derby. One of the challenging teams has one guy that was just looking to tattoo me with every hit, again when you wear the star that’s life. With this guy I felt it was more. I’ve never said this because it didn’t change the outcome, but skating back to the bench I thought I heard him say “something, something, that black guy.” I am black, and I didn’t hear the first part so I didn’t know how to take it. I did the only thing I could, played harder and tried to be a good teammate. We did go on to win obviously, it felt good to win with people I respected and didn’t know if I belonged on the same track as given missing the roster the previous year. In a best on best national tournament you have to earn your spot. I hoped I did. 

If you’re still reading thank you. As a reward here is the number 1. The picture kinda gives it away but my first Hockey championship. 

  So this one is a crazy story. I’d been asked to join for years, I always said “yeah maybe” or gave some excuse. With covid stopping the world I decided to take the risk. So many people aren’t here anymore, so many who are aren’t able to enjoy the life they once did. I told myself this has to be the time in your life where you take every opportunity and possibility that comes before you aren’t here anymore. I went to a scrimmage getting in the ice. Mind you I’d spent the last few years in skates of a different kind. I was actually amazed at how much it felt normal. Obviously there were things that didn’t translate, I fell. A lot. I thought I looked bad. But the nice lady that I met in the lobby who had  informed me she was a captain of one of the teams stopped me and told me she’d drafted me to her team. To say I could explode is an understatement. I was super excited. To take it a step further the team colors were red and black same as the derby team I currently play for. 

  Flash forward to making it to the championship after fighting for our lives through the playoffs. A matchup against a team that shouldn’t have been playing a team of our skill level. I can’t tell you about my teammates but I wanted to win so bad just because that team was so good. We were down in the game 2-1 and you could feel that disappointment setting in on the bench. If there is one thing I’m known for (at least I hope) it’s having no quit in me. I skated in and I can’t remember how I even got the puck. What I can say is, it is never a bad idea to put the puck on net (shoot the puck at the goal) especially if your down. As I shot it looked as if the goaltender stopped it between his skate and the goal post. Still moving forward towards the net almost looking down inside it now I see the puck across the goal line (a red line that the puck has to cross entirely to count as a goal) and I snapped my head to see if the ref saw it, putting my stick in the air yelling “yeah!” His arm points indicating a goal on the ice. I just hit a bucket list item. To score a game tying goal in a championship game! 

After that moment it was like we were a different team. Our jump was their putting two more goals past their net minder to finish 4-2 winning the game. To get to skate a lap with a championship cup, as a life long hockey fan is about as close to a Stanley cup celly as you can get. When I started hockey I just wanted to have fun. Something derby wasn’t Because of how much responsibility I put on myself. So to have my rookie season end like that because I was just having fun and enjoying playing a sport I loved was amazing. I can’t thank Jackie Hockey (her name in my phone) enough for being so welcoming and always giving me jabs about how I better score. Seeing you always fighting and giving your all makes it easy to do the same. 

So there you have it. Is it an empty cup? I’m not sure some felt like it but others overflowed with memories and lessons. I think most importantly it just about taking the chance to play the game that matters most. You have one life, fill it with something worth remembering. -MH 

It’s Better to Burnout Than Fade Away

 “The king is dead but not forgotten” a lyric from Hey Hey, My my. 

 It’s again been awhile since I’ve written one of these. I wish I could say that’s because I’ve been caught up in a whirlwind of exciting things and adventures. Unfortunately that isn’t the cases. Well not completely… 

  The funny thing about life is no matter how hard or annoying it gets it doesn’t slow down. Every second is now past and that, that. Something I have learned is you are in control of every second. Even when it doesn’t feel like it. The struggle to feel in control of my life is Effing real. 

  I don’t necessarily have the need to control every part of my life but the parts I should have a choice in make it hard sometimes. I always believed “live fast, die young.” So the slow slog through mediocrity sucks. 

  Right now, look around and ask yourself, what’s one thing I could change right this second? Doesn’t matter what it is, in that second you just took control. Now what’s the next thing? Now the next, and the next? That’s all it takes to change your life. 

  We can fight and say “one day” or “tomorrow” this is a change we want to make, but in the end did you? I suck at finishing books (reading them) so I decided to start using audio books. In just a short time I’ve completed more books than I can remember. I hope it will translate to being a better writer, a better friend, a better coach, and teammate. 

  As for the adventures I spoke of before, post CoViD restrictions have things I once enjoyed back in full-ish swing. I picked up hockey again, took an opportunity to make a change in my life. Roller derby also started back up. 

 Ahh, that fickle thing I have a love hate relationship with. I’ve gone back and forth between being done and still finding peace in the chaos of a jam. People say that they could never play ice hockey, but they play roller derby!?!? Like for real it’s like chess to checkers. 

 The difference is the team atmosphere and dynamics. On the derby track, you literally (mostly) rely on your blockers to help. So regardless of how badass you feel someone somewhere helped you weather you say it or not. On the ice some players are know to go coast to coast and go bar down. That’s going from one end of the ice to the other unimpeded and putting the puck past the goaltender, hitting the crossbar of the net and in doing so the puck deflects down into the net. 

  GOAL! But even in that moment of badassory your team is still there, you teammates still have to go out and put in the work after you score. So now what? You have control here as well. Being a cheerleader, a teacher, slapping them on the pads and telling them to forget that bad pass or turnover. Because they will have more seconds coming to make up for it. “Forget it, you got this. Next shift it’s all you buddy” 

  In derby things happen so fast it’s sometimes hard to find the one good thing you did do. I try and coach my team to hold on to those. Find that one thing in that jam you did do, “go out there and do that again. Build off it!” Control what you can control is always my game plan. 

  So why is it in everyday life that gets lost? Some may say society and social roles blah blah blah. I say when you take the track or ice, or jogging path or that place you do that thing you like (not the denny’s bathroom) that is who you really are. That is you in your most primal form. Who you are when you punch the time clock is just who you’re paid to be. 

  Take even a tad of that scrappy attitude you have in your hobby with you. I’m sure you have moments of frustration in your hobby, but if you’re still doing it you took that control and forced it right back into balance. 

  I’m not saying punch your dickhead boss in the face. Unless they truly deserve it, but the mindset of happiness and I’m here because I chose to be here not any other reason. “It’s definitely not bob in reception who tells the awful jokes.” 

 Less so now I hope to think, I’m known for speaking my mind no matter the situation or time or place. (I said hope to think) I’m unapologetic in that way and I actually love that about myself. Does it make life hard? Do I have few friends because of it? Yes. Does being closed off because of my past experience hinder my ability to make friends? Also yes. However I can take control and try and be more open or welcoming. I can make changes to how I approach a given situation. 

  You can also realize areas you may be able to change for the better as you see fit to. Asking “What can I change right now, a month from now, a year from now?” Take it one step at a time or as I tell my skaters “take it one jam at a time” 

  So now we’re here, all of that to say I believe we can take a more active role in our own lives. It doesn’t have to be a big goal it can be as little as “today I want to pick that napkin up from behind that couch, that I dropped that time, and said I’d get it later but never did.” Well guess what? It’s later baby! 

  My change was to make a new friend who I thought could also benefit from a new friend as well. I’m happy to say it has paid off. 

  Now if you’ve made it this far I do want to give you an actual update on my writing. Yes Book III of the HWR trilogy is done and I still need to find an artist (if I can’t I may just release it as is and hurt my souls a bit by not having art. I have started two other projects one a screenplay titled Skeptic, a haunting but is drawing parallels to depression. As well as a book (I know I said I was done with writing books somewhere) titled Tin Hearts, it follows a detective Dalton Glass. As he tries to hunt a serial killer who has been leaving parts of their victims in tin hearts around the city. His troubles in life mimic my own story and some of the events from his past are real events that happened to me. 

Thank you for sticking around, it means more than you know. I appreciate each and every one of you. -MH 

TBD

 

TBD… To be determined, that which hasn’t been decided yet. It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these but here I am. They define insanity as, doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. 

  Asking for help or to be seen is that example for me. I did a little research this past year. I’ve posted pictures and paid attention to the reactions, I’ve made pointed posts noting interactions. The biggest is I looked at my Facebook memories almost every day to get a feel for what I did and didn’t do as far as trying to be seen or asking for help. 

  In a way this was foolish. What do you think it showed me? That I am loved and cherished? Or just like most alone and average? Well I can tell you any time I asked for help it got zero likes. I can also tell you that a picture of me and my wife or kids even though no one knew why I took the picture, those received close to 60 reactions. 

  I thought about posting or not posting about this but I feel it’s important to humble yourself and walk in reality. With that here I am. 

  I will say there are some who hold a high place in my heart and I appreciate them. 

  This time last year I released my second book. I felt like I had so much momentum going into the week of the release. It was the biggest failure I’ve ever faced. I believe I gave away more than I sold (I didn’t give away that many) in the last year. 

  I thought I’d do podcast and get my name out there… also a flop. When polled most people didn’t know I’d even been on a few. So I posted links everywhere. Waited two months and put up the same poll. Wouldn’t you know it? Same result. At this point I looked inward, what can I change what pride can I swallow? 

  So I changed my book profiles from book specific to more me. I think that actually hurt more than it helped. I got really discouraged. A friend (yes a real one) started doing book reviews about the same time. I found myself growing jealous of how quickly it grew. Not in an angry way but in a “it really is me” kinda way. 

  I think the best worst part about that was they even did a review on my book and gave it a 4.5 out of 5. That’s awesome but the level of failure I felt at this point, it felt like they were just being nice. Just like everyone else that has read my work up to that point. 

  What happened next? I dropped all my creative work. The new story I was crafting, things I wanted to build. I had just rebuilt my want to create. I lost a pet and it hit me hard. After all of that I found myself back in a familiar element. 

  With covid in a rear view vaccinated and feeling like maybe it’s a fresh start. I went back to a sport I love. (Mind you some of this is happening at the same time) helping a new group become who they’ve always been. Watching them grow and take on all the challenges that came with picking up a new sport. I again found that spark. I wanted to write I wanted to create. (Now the timelines are all synced up) BOOM the hits kept coming. Again I was humbled. 

  If you’re still with me, this is not meant to be a bleeding heart story. It is I guess but this is the point I want to most get across. I pride myself on being as real and authentic as I can. This makes me an asshole in most circles. I can deal with that. I can deal with failure as a writer. The thing that hurts the most is seeing how many times I asked for help and it went unanswered. What hurts was while seeing how those asks were invisible to most; the same people where posting about “reach out if you need anything” and all that other garbage feel good “I’m a good person right?” Crap. What I hope you can take away from this is: do the work, not everyone is your friend (that includes family unfortunately), don’t claim to be a supportive friend and not hit the damn share button. 

  The last thing I wanted to say, after the BLM movement took strong hold and “buy black” and “support black business, creators, artists” became the hashtags, I became bitter because I wasn’t seeing any of that support. I had to apologize for that. So that brings me here, I was born to create, and I can’t ignore that. I will keep writing but will you ever see it by choice or otherwise? TBD. MH-